Tuesday, 15 October 2013

First Class Worship

Times are tight, and the budget's a bit stretched. So we're all going to have to learn to tighten our belts, as the cold wind of economic stagnation blows around our mixedly-metaphorical ankles. It's going to be hard, but we're all in this together.

Which is why we've introduced First Class Worship. This gives the worshipper who wants a little more space, some free biscuits, at-seat service with a selection of liqueurs and a padded leather seat the chance to worship in a relaxed and yet timelessly stylish way.

In the separate First Class Worship compartment of the new Moot House, you can enjoy the peace which the World cannot give - at least, not unless you pay extra for it. If the Beaker Quire is as out of tune as ever, or the sermon is a big pile of pants, you can use the in-seat MP3 system and complimentary headphones to select something more spiritually uplifting.

Although you'd ideally want to book in advance, maybe to reserve the best seat over by the fountain, you have the option to upgrade at any time the appalling din of children and smell of ordinary customers - sorry, passengers - sorry, worshippers gets too much.

We hasten to add that Standard Class Worship remains as it has always been. Dreary, uninspiring, and with a view of the Worship Focus partially obstructed by the First Class Worship VIP lounge. But comfort yourselves, my people. For even the dogs may eat the Bath Oliver crumbs that fall from the First Class post-worship time.

First Class worship. For the discerning worshipper who got lucky with the Post Office.


  1. Some airlines draw a discreet curtain between Business Class and Pleb Class, so we can't see what the rich are getting. I always assumed it was champagne, lapdancing, complimentary massages, etc.

  2. Bruvver E, I am shocked. Do you think we are in Southwark?

  3. So, exactly how much are you going to charge and will it be cheaper if I book 6 months ahead and can you guarantee total sense and a socket to recharge my 'devices'?

  4. I've once had the privilege of travelling, sorry, Worshiping first class at a certain Cathedral, famous for it's Red Plush, Satin, VIP Seats, close to the Centre of things.

    I found it very expensive and overrated. For a start, there were loads of geezers & gals sitting in front of me with red rugs, what looked like dead weasels and those tinsel crowns or coronets that you used to get in Woolies for kiddies parties.

    Than some quite pretty young lady came down the aisle dressed in a gown - she had an slightly older bald man walking one pace behind her and some clergy type, hangers on with crooks and pointy hats.

    There was this bloody great chair in the middle and they sat her down on it and went into a long spiel in what sounded like old English or it might have even been Norse or all I know. Than they got her to dress up in a funny suit, which looked like it'd been rescued from Ho Chi Min or somesuch and plonked a ruddy great crown on her bonce. She seemed to get about 3 inches shorter and lost her neck entirely due to the weight of the crown, covered in gaudy trinkets and shiny sparkle, worse than Goldilocks in the Panto last Christmas.

    It didn't half go on a long while than they chucked her out and stuck her in this big old horse and cart with windows and painted all gold with lots of knobs and stuff on it and rushed her off somewhere.

    We didn't have a clue what sort of worship we'd got ourselves into until a couple of days later someone said that they'd seen us in the film of the Methodist Conference for 1953? I tell you, it gave us a right turn to see it. If anyone tells you that they're going to film you tell them where to get off. Nothing worse than being caught with a finger up your nose on camera :(


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