Man Utd - An Appeal

A formerly prosperous football club lies in ruins. A theatre of dreams has become the stuff of nightmare.

Under its former leader, Fer-Gie, Manchester United was run with a fist of steel. Such was the absoluteness of his power that he was known by many names - "Flinger of Tea-cups", "Beckham-Basher", or - when refusing to talk to the state broadcaster - "The Great Red Sulk".

Yet under Fer-gie, United was prosperous. Stories were told of the great rooms that Fer-gie filled with silver.

But all has now changed. Although it was rumoured he was immortal, Fer-Gie knew it was no longer possible to cling onto the reins of power. He feared his iron grip would loosen as time took its toll. And so he decided it was time to hand over power to his chosen successor.

Day-Vid Moyz appeared to be the perfect replacement. He was miserable, and Scottish. And he had spent many years training up the youth division of Fer-Gie's "Red Army". But it appears the job may be too big for him. A team club that was held together by the inspiration, vision and fear of "The Beetroot in a Toupée" seemed to fall apart without his brooding presence. Suddenly they were being defeated in battles by the Scousers, the Baggies, and the Cit-eh. And today, ironically, they conceded a goal as near to "Fer-gie Time" as was humanly possible. The empire appears to be crumbling.

Can you help?

• 20 quid will buy Wayne Rooney a new inner tube to wear round his head.
• £30 million will buy a decent midfielder who's under 50 years of age.
• £60 million could buy a foreign striker who actually wants to score.
• Buying Leighton Baines in January could set Everton up for the rest of the season

Please give generously, to end the misery of the followers of the "devils in red". It's been a hard few weeks.

(We will, of course, stop laughing if, after all this, they recover and win the title)