Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Drive-Thru Church

Drive-Thru Church is the first official Beaker response to the news that cathedral attendance keeps going up, especially mid-week.

It's based on the following key principles:
1. People need a spiritual connection;
2. People are time-poor, but some of them are money-rich;
3. Very few cathedrals are located conveniently for ring roads and motorways:
4. The possibility of selling merchandising relating to nearby cathedrals;
5. Some people are so addicted to their cars that you might as well let them stay in them;
6. It works for weddings in Las Vegas.
7. Involvement and commitment are, like, so Christendom.

In essence, it's a cross between a Drive-Thru McDonald's and a car wash. Cars pull up in one of the six "worship bays". Each "worship bay" is decorated in the style of a familiar worship location: St Paul's, the Sagrada Familia, Lourdes, Walsingham, Buckfast Abbey, or Stonehenge.  Opening the windows, worshippers then receive all the traditional requirements of a full cathedral service experience:

1. A recording of a psalm (Goodall's "Dibley" theme);
2. A recording of a reading;
3. By a cunning combination of electric fields and white noise, the vaguely uncomfortable feeling that you don't know what you're doing;
4. The Lord's Prayer (BCP, natch);
5. Something by Standford.

The car is then wheeled forward on a conveyor, where the cashier - sorry, officiant - will give you a vague assurance of God's forgiveness, ask for a donation and try to sell you a fridge magnet of Salisbury Cathedral, or a set of coasters featuring the ikon of St Alban. If you don't offer a donation, but have a contactless payment card, don't worry. We'll sort something out.

All told you'll be in and, spiritually refreshed, back out in 10 minutes.  Who says the Church can't move with the times?

Warning: Drive-Thru Church may not have any noticeable effect on the state of your soul. Typical 256% APR. Your home may be at risk if you do not keep up your payments. Terms and conditions apply. If in any doubt, consult your Spiritual Director.

1 comment :

  1. Coin-operated juke box offering a range of suitable music would be good. Could include Stanford Mag & Nunc in B-flat, a selection of Dies Irae settings, Cwm Rhondda, One More Step Along The World I Go...


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