Monday, 24 November 2014

English Church by Numbers

5Average number of references to previous ministers in a church meeting.
6 years How out of date the  "latest news" is on the average church website.
2Average number of tweets after which a new social media ministry runs into the sand. Number 1 is always "Trying to work out how this Twitter thing works".
55Average age of the children of choir members
65Average age of people who think "Shine Jesus Shine" is a modern hymn
7Number of people in the average town who know what the Rend Collective is
4Number of people on General Synod who have a day job that can't broadly be described as "Church stuff".
761Number of hours from Tulsa, if a church committee meeting had to debate whether it was a bad idea to go there, whether somebody had been there before and it hadn't been very nice, or whether there were other medium-sized cities in Oklahoma that should be considered by the "where we should go to in Oklahoma sub-committee" before definitely committing to going to Tulsa. 
23Number of attendees at the monthly "Benefice Together Service", when there are 5 churches in the benefice, each with an average attendance of 23.
3Average number of points in a 3-point sermon, if the preacher hasn't been infected with the virus of post-modernism. 
45%Decrease in regular congregation when there's a baptism in the main service.
1.8Average number of  persons that members of the congregation actually believe are in the Trinity.
5thThe Sunday in a month that transcends the laws of time and space, melts rotas, leaves people in the wrong place doing the wrong job, and can cause the church to fall into a black hole and enter another universe.
4Average weekly attendance of a medium-sized church, if the Treasurer filled in the annual return.
29%Proportion of church members who are to all intents and purposes Arminian
35%Proportion of church ministers who are to all intents and purposes Arminian
25Number of times you have to play "Just as I am" as an altar call, before somebody takes one for the team and goes forward for prayer.
5Average charisma of an atheist on Reddit, if Joe Wilkinson off of "8 out of 10 Cats" scores 12.
95Occupants of the graveyard that are alleged to be turning in their graves, if the church reordering goes ahead.
15Most tea lights you can light on a tea light stand without the danger of a chorister having a toupee go up in smoke becoming serious.
3Final number of nonconformist churches in a town, if the two nonconformist churches decide it's a good idea to unite.
15 yearsTime the average church member spends in committee meetings in a lifetime.
Average number of Property Committee meetings it would take to decide that renting the church hall out to a group of hamster-worshippers was not a good idea. 
15Members of a Methodist choir above which the vibrato can go critical and start causing quantum effects. 
712%Amount bigger the congregation would be, if all the people who claim to be speaking for "other people" were telling the truth.
17Number of ghosts that still have a say on the running of a typical church.
3.141592654Number of points in a three-point sermon in a Catholic Church, if the Bishop is a member of the "Magic Circle". But it's all Pi in the sky.
1.5Number of people who know the new song that the band really wants to play. Including the people in the band.*
4Average number of people who turn up an hour late when the clocks go forward.
52Weeks of the year when a visitor will be told "there's a lot of people away this week...."
1/177Ratio of people who know who a Christian celebrity is, to the number of people who know who a proper celebrity is.
2Different opinions in a church committee meeting when 12 people are there.
31Different opinions on the same subject, in the church car park afterwards.
3Number of people that everybody claims do all the work.
45Number of people who claim to be one of the three who do all the work.

*thanks to Raquelita for this one.

3 comments :

  1. Percentage of Welsh churches to which this applies - 100.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 52: Weeks of the year when a visitor will be told "there's a lot of people away this week...."

    I can vouch for this. As a Methodist Local Preacher, I can count on the fingers of one foot how may times the steward in the vestry doesn't tell me this. They always try to deny it when I tell them that obviously people are studying the Plan and organising their holidays, elective surgery etc, around my visits! (But I know better!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. steve fisher27/11/2014, 15:21

    1. Number of pages for Caesar Augustus' census form(see Luke 2)
    362. Number of pages on the denominational Heath and Safety form

    ReplyDelete

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