Monday, 17 November 2014

If Church Committees Had Written Famous Works

The Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)

"And so," concluded Elrond, "although I thank Gimli son of Gloin for telling us about the friendly welcome he received from the folk of Moria last time he was there, and we all laughed at the account of funny things Aragorn has heard Gandalf say in sermons, and though we agree with Frodo that hobbits are disgracefully overlooked for selection in the sport of basketball - can we please move onto the question of what we're going to do with this Ring of Power?

The Italian Job

Michael Caine: Hang on, lads - I've got a great idea. But before we stop the bus toppling over into cliff, can we take a moment to hear Mr Croker's reminiscences of what it was like being a gay gangster in 1960s Parkhurst.

The Three Musketeers (Dumas)

"All for one, and one for.... d'Artagnan, do you really want to divide by houses? You always win the "non-musketeer" vote anyway."

The Mayor of Casterbridge (Hardy)

One evening of late summer, before the nineteenth century had reached one-third of its span, a young man and woman, the latter carrying a child, were approaching the large village of Weydon-Priors, in Upper Wessex, on foot. I was that child, and I would like to share with you my entire life experiences from that day to now.

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Lewis)

"Reepicheep, you can't make it to the utter East. It was tried before, in the last vicar's time, and it was a disaster." 

Julius Caesar (Shakespeare)

Antony: Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. 

But before we start, can I bring your attention to the shocking state of the Senate drawing-pin fund? Over the last 12 months it has been running at 73% over budget. Indeed, if it were not for the tireless efforts of volunteers throughout the Empire, recycling drawing pins after they have been stuck into notice boards, having checked first that the notices they pin up are advertising events that have now happened - sometimes even straightening the pins out - for who among us, friends, Romans, countrymen, have not snagged our fingers on a badly aligned drawing pin.....

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (Baum)

"I  am astounded," continued the Chancellor of the Diocese of Oz, "that you attempted to move this house without obtaining a faculty. Ignorance of the Regulations is no excuse. No wonder it landed on the Wicked Witch of the East."

Henry V, Act III (Shakespeare)

One more unto the breach, dear friends! After we've heard this 45-page report on the most cost-effective number of meetings to hold each year. 

1 comment :

  1. The Catechism of the Catholic Church

    Thou shalt not.

    Thou shall,

    If thou do, thou will be sorry.


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