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Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Service Guide for Cold Days

Ah, the changing seasons!  As we head into winter, you may find the following advice useful.

If you find the minister has frosted over, resist the urge to pour hot water on them. The sudden temperature change could cause their specs to crack.

Check the tyres on the ministers' bikes and cars. If they're not worn out, you may need to consider getting them a couple more churches to look after.

If you find the baptism water is freezing in the font, avoid adding antifreeze or salt. A drop of left-over Malibu from last Christmas will lower the freezing point, and leave baby with a pleasant coconut smell.

If the congregation is starting slowly in bad weather, do not use jump leads. Call the RAC.*

If the church door has frozen up, do not be tempted to think "oh, it'll be jolly outside here." God is telling you to go back to bed.

In strict Anglo-Catholic circles, if the temperature is under -7C, you may contemplate wearing pants under the cassock. Just contemplate, mind. Doesnt that feel warm?

In Methodist chapels with radiant heaters in the ceiling, you may want to consider relaxing the "no hats" rule for balding men. St Paul was writing in a culture that had no concept of electricity, cold chapels and badly designed heating methods.

If you clear the snow from the Church, you may or may not be responsible for people slipping over. But if the 97-year-old Church Warden ends up with hypothermia from clearing it, check the insurance. Quick.

Anglicans may need a faculty to clear snow from the churchyard. The Chancellor of the Diocese of Gloucester is always happy to advise on these matters.

If the congregation is huddling too closely together, you may consider lighting a second tea light.

* Other organisations available for restarting broken down congregations. Eg AA, Green Flag, Holy Trinity Brompton.

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