When leading services do you drop your aitches? Or, worse, call them haitches? Do you say "wou'n't" like Tracey from "Birds of a Fever"? Do you worry that your ars are a bit rarnded into wubble-yews?
Then you need the Beaker special retreat, "Speaking Like a Vicar". Here, in the relaxed surroundings of our English stately home, you can learn to speak like the Vicar in Dad's Army.
4pm - Arrival and tea in the Drawing Room
5pm - " Lessons from Pygmalion" - a warm-up session
6pm - Sherry. Yes, we know it's disgusting. But if you want to sound like a vicar you're gonna need some of this.
7pm - Supper. Your personal tutors will be listening for any linguistic laxity.
9am Stream 1 (Northern) - "On Ilkley Moor Without One's Hat". A musical unlearning of flattened vowels.
Stream 2 (Southern) - Considering the weather patterns in Hereford, Hertford and Hampshire.
11am - "Going a bit sing-song" - developing your own "special" voice for preaching.
12 noon - "The HTB alternative". Learn how to preach while sounding like Tony Blair.
1pm - Lunch
2pm - "How to speak very very slowly" - find out how to take 2 or 3 minutes over one word without hyperventilating.
3pm - The best of Derek Nimmo.
4pm - Tiffin and end.