Monday, 8 August 2016

Speak Like a Vicar

When leading services do you drop your aitches? Or, worse, call them haitches? Do you say "wou'n't" like Tracey from "Birds of a Fever"? Do you worry that your ars are a bit rarnded into wubble-yews?

Then you need the Beaker special retreat, "Speaking Like a Vicar". Here, in the relaxed surroundings of our English stately home, you can learn to speak like the Vicar in Dad's Army.


4pm - Arrival and tea in the Drawing Room

5pm - " Lessons from Pygmalion" - a warm-up session

6pm - Sherry. Yes, we know it's disgusting. But if you want to sound like a vicar you're gonna need some of this.

7pm - Supper. Your personal tutors will be listening for any linguistic laxity.


8am Breakfast

9am Stream 1 (Northern) - "On Ilkley Moor Without One's Hat". A musical unlearning of flattened vowels.

Stream 2 (Southern) - Considering the weather patterns in Hereford, Hertford and Hampshire.

11am - "Going a bit sing-song" - developing your own "special" voice for preaching.

12 noon - "The HTB alternative". Learn how to preach while sounding like Tony Blair.

1pm - Lunch

2pm - "How to speak very very slowly" - find out how to take 2 or 3 minutes over one word without hyperventilating.

3pm - The best of Derek Nimmo.

4pm - Tiffin and end.


  1. I don't believe that I need to attend: are you looking for any extra tutors?

  2. I'm often concerned at my rarnd ars - typically whenever I pass a mirror.

  3. I'll come for the best of Derek Nimmo and the Tiffin at the end.

  4. O Lord, open Thou our lips...

  5. I trust there will be a follow up workshop on preaching with Alan Bennett and Rowan Atkinson.

  6. Surely there has to be a class on praying in a monotone with the last couple of words mimicking the Series 2 Amen. It still happens (particularly in the Eucharistic prayer).

  7. This so reminds of of my entry into the Offiacers Mess on Commissions from the Ranks. This East End boy, completely uneducmatated had made the grade through sheer hard work and a bit of luck (not being caught). The Plummy accents were moderated by one or two former Grammar School boys (and girls) who didn't wear Calvary Twil or Red Slacks. But otherwise were indistinguishable from their Eton, Oxbridge contemporaries. It was a pleasure to deliberately drop my aitches and to address them as 'mate' or 'cocker' and generally lower the tone. Puncturing the pompous is always good.


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