That Beaker Address in Full

Beaker Folk of Great Britain.

It's good to see the support you continue to have for me, as evidenced by the way that this Moot House is resolutely half-full.  Definitely not half-empty.

I know that there are grumblings over the events of the last week or two - organised, needless to say, by people we will not dignify by mentioning the name of Drayton Parslow - but consider.  When I discovered that the world was ending, I took instant action.  We organised a substantial injection of tea lights into the spiritual economy.  We took action against those whose greedy actions had caused the imminent end of the world.  And we arranged a Day of Rolling in Ashes.  Obviously, I cannot claim that these actions alone prevented the world from ending.  There is the additional consideration that Young Keith's figures were appallingly miscalculated.  But I do not consider that to be any reason to deprive him of his position as Treasurer.

I would now like to turn to the claims that I have been using therapeutic substances to enable me to continue in my role as Archdruid.  What is wrong with lavender oil?  Its soothing effects have been known since the Ancient Greeks first put lavender in their pillows.  Likewise, camomile is a calming herbal remedy, and there is no evidence that the two together can result in any ill effects such as throwing staplers at Hnaef.

Enough of dealing with such scuttlebutt.  I am here this evening to draw out the roadmap of the future.  And I'd like to unfold that roadmap and lay it on the floor now.

In the matter of voting.  Many people have complained that there is no chance of anyone else becoming Archdruid.  I am now pleased to introduce a more democratic system.  From now on we will be using the "Archdruid's Transferable Vote".  Under ATV, you all get to vote for who you want as Archdruid.  And if I don't like the result you all get to vote for an alternative until I'm elected.

On the subject of Community finances.  We are committed to supporting an increasing number of charities in the coming year.  Some have questioned the wisdom of spending more money at a time of financial restrictions.  But we have committed to making efficiency savings.  From now on, hot water will only be available on alternate Tuesdays, and we will be saving electricity in the Doily Shed by working in all hours of daylight during the Summer.  We will sadly be making a number of redundancies - losing both the gardeners and the receptionist.  But we will be investing those savings in creating six new posts for "redundancy advisors", to help the gardeners and receptionist to look for new jobs.

On the subject of trouble-making and anti-social behaviour.  Since we started opening the Community Bar (suggested donations only - selling alcohol would be illegal) 24 hours a day, there has been an unrelated rise in agro.  We will crack down on this.  We are going to create four new posts for Beaker Community Stewards.  These people will have no actual powers, but will be equipped with a whistle and authorised to tutt loudly in the direction of anyone who is causing trouble.

Finally, we have been concerned for some time about the plight of unmarried teenage mothers.  To crack down on - sorry, help -  these unfortunates, we are going to open a Beaker Dormitory for them to stay in, to learn such important life skills as scrubbing floors and needlework.  To staff St Magdalene's we are instituting a new chapter of the Beaker Folk, the "Little Sisters of Drudgery".

So join me in building a better Beaker future!  Take no notice of the slick showmanship of Drayton Parslow, with his dinky bike helmet and quiff.  With me you can rely on solidity, seriousness and turtles.  Sorry, truth.  I've no idea why I said turtles.  Must have been the ylang-ylang.