Worship Group Classification Index

Here in Husborne Crawley, we don't have too much trouble with the "Worship" or "Music" group*. Mostly because we set our sights very low.  After all, when the group consists of an out-of-tune flute, a bodhran and a badly-played 4-string** banjo, there's a limit to how good it can get.  Although, curiously, no limit to how bad it can be.
As with putting together the right character types - Visionary, Administrator, Tea-Maker etc - in a work group,  it's important to know the people you're throwing together into a worship or music group and why.  Are you aiming for Peter Paul and Mary, Hillsong, St John's Cambridge, or a Matt Redman tribute band? 
But when you read the following, don't forget - they put the time in and do it all for nothing, except in the unlikely event you're a member of a Central London Mega-church. And if you're out there listening and moaning, it's a fair bet they're still far better than you'll ever be.
Here's a little guide. 

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The "Any key" guitarist (I) - will cheerfully play in any key, as long as she has a capo.  Only actually knows 4 chords, and takes 4 bashes at any diminished chord as it's too much trouble to learn which is which ("but there's only 4 in reality")

The "Any key" guitarist (II) - self-taught genius with fingers of such great strength and dexterity that he can play a barre chord anywhere up the neck.  Unfortunately this has made him lazy, so he's only learnt two chord shapes.  7ths, sus's, min6 - forget it.  And as for diminished - he'll just play the major chord with the same name, so get used to those exquisite chord sequences breaking the hearts of the more musically-sensitive.

The Bodhran player - Lured by thoughts of Celtic scenery, the call of the Wild Goose and the taste of Guinness.  Spends his whole time wondering why the band insists on playing Delirious stuff, when it doesn't go with a bodhran.  It doesn't matter what they're playing, anyway, as he has no sense of rhythm.

The "Trendy Vicar" - normally balding and in his forties (rarely a woman, and if a woman even less frequently balding) - the Trendy Vicar will be playing Fender Stratocaster.  Badly.  And trying to adorn every song - even "Purify my heart" or "Potter's Hand" - with AC/DC or U2 riffs.

The Saxophonist - there's no song, and no part of any song, that can't be improved by the addition of an improvised sax solo.  Apparently.

The Worship leader - if you think your service is too short, and your sermons not challenging enough,  why not appoint a worship leader?  Then you can have ten minutes of poorly-thought out theology and home-spun wisdom before every song.

The Drummer - the Drummer is a valuable and appropriate member of the band in the proper place.  The proper place normally being a different building, from where he can be heard at a reasonable volume.

The Bassist - The only one who can communicate with the drummer***

The Converted Organist - of any age, and any gender, several or none.  Will cheerfully join in but, due to years of having undisputed control of the music, will play things at their own pace.  "There's a place where the streets shine" will be stretched into a funeral march, while "Kum By Yah" will be thrashed.  If only.

The Thomas Hardy freak - constantly demands to sing 18th century carol music - even in June - and introduce a viol da gamba or serpent into the music group. Hates the Oxford Movement and everything they stood for - like dignified worship and choirs that sing in tune and do what they're told.

The Prodigy - Six years old, and able to muster a wide range of note between B# and C.  But Mum's a force to be reckoned with on the Worship Committee, so little Torquil (or, as it may be, Abigael) is in the band.  People have been known to strangle cats to cover up the noise.  Not to be confused with the people that produced "Firestarter".  They're far less scary.

The X-Factor - Vocalist whose dedication to singing with an American accent would mean she'd sing Greensleeves with one if that's what the group was playing.  Can make any song, whether of touching spirituality, or aggressive and triumphant victory over evil, sound like it's in a West End musical.

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* How do you define the difference between a "Worship" and a "Music" group?  Our working premise is this - if they're involved in any way in an act of worship they must be a "Worship" group.  A sub-set of these are actually musical.  So a "Music" group, de facto, must be a better thing to have because they are always also a "Worship" group.   Unless you've mis-booked and you've actually got Slipnot due to an administrative error.
** It's actually a 5-string banjo, but one string's broke and Young Keith can't work out how to get another string onto it.
*** Yeah, old joke...