Things you don't want to hear a Preacher say

We don't like the concept of "preaching" really, at Husborne Crawley.  It puts the preacher in a power relationship with the preachees - implying that the preacher has access to knowledge and oratorical power that the preachees do not possess.  Whereas the evidence round here is that the preacher, on the whole, has none of these things.


Still, since the other alternatives to preaching - "oratory", "rambling", "musing", "facilitating an ongoing thought-enhancement and spiritual development process in a theological context" are all equally weak, we'll stick with "preaching" for the purposes of this discussion.
In any case, here's some things that may help all members of the Community to improve their inspirational aspirations.

"But enough about God.  Let's talk about how clever I am."

"So I've sketched out the socio-dynamics of the Essene fellowship, giving summary accounts of five or six of the most recent views of the archaeologists and theologians.  Now let's move to point one of this six-point sermon..."

"I've learnt that people remember more of what they see, than of what they hear.  So after that account of the sins of the Israelite men with the Moabite women, I'll be giving a demonstration of those sins with my wife.  Just as soon as we've put our teeth somewhere safe - we wouldn't like them to fly out...."

"So I hope I've been very clear on the spiritual damage you can suffer from hidden sin.  Now then - Hnaef has the roaming mic - who's the first to confess?"

"I am the god of hell fire!"

"I'm pleased to see that the use of the word "mercy" in that verse in Isaiah was the subject of my MA thesis.  So I'd like to read it to you now.  In full."

"You know, I'm really regretting that prawn curry last night.  And the beer seemed a bit cloudy as well.  Now, this pulpit is quite high so I'm quite pleased to see there's no-one in the front six rows."

"OK - I'm the one with the preaching gown.  I'm the one up here with the big book.  So everybody listen to me.  I'm right."

"I'm pleased to say that God gave me a direct message last night.  And oooh he had a lot to say."

"I'm afraid I'll have to preach the second half of this sermon extempore.  Not because I've had a sudden burst of inspiration.  No - the computer ran out of memory and crashed after printing off the first half."

"But I see it is time for the Evening Service to begin.  So in conclusion..."

"I really wanted to focus on "giving" this morning.  And it so happens that I have here the records of everyone's standing orders.  So, let's see... Albert Aldwincle - £20 per month...  Rhoda Benson - £15...."

"I've felt so inspired this morning that I'm going to issue an altar call.  The doors are locked, and no-one's going home until we've had twenty new converts."