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Monday, 29 June 2015

Growing for Growth Strategy

Thanks to everyone for their very helpful contributions at yesterday's "Growing for Growth" meeting. The strategy we adopted is as follows:

1. Get more people in.
2. Especially children.
3. And it would be handy if they are good givers from the outset. (Not the children, obviously, though that would be nice as well).
4. Do more things we like, as that is bound to attract more people from "out there".
5. Prayer meetings for mission to be held every evening.
6. Keep an eye out for trouble-makers and working-class people. Probably more trouble than it's worth, letting them in. Not very spiritual and not very rich.
7. More denouncing people in the media.
8. Six-week "Ignatian Contemplation With Visualisation" course, to attract people who've no experience of church.
9. Get an amplifier for Bodworth's ukulele, so he can play some rockin' riffs and get the kids in.
10. Really, before we go out to the strange people out there, consider what we think the Beaker Folk would do with all these extra people.
11. After all, we'd need new parking. And the coffee-making facilities are barely adequate as it is.
12. Start a fund-raising campaign for a new boiler and extended car parking.
13. Permeable parking, obviously. With thyme planted in the spaces.
14. Defer implementation of the car park enlargement until after the fund raising.
15. Defer fund raising until the Boiler Selection Committee and Car Park Environmental Impact Team have reported back (April 2017)
16. Defer implementation of Growing For Growth Strategy (except points 12, 13, 14, 15, 16) until all assessments, landscaping and boiler purchase are complete.
17. Form sub-committee to work out whether point 16, being self-referential, needs rewording or even breaking into several further points.
18. Think about the danger of bees if we used thyme. Maybe the non flowering species of camomile would be more sensible.
19. Encourage people to leave legacies. This is not technically a growth strategy, but we should still take every opportunity to push it.

Frankly, I can't see why new people aren't already queueing up outside.


  1. Oh dear Lord, you can't know how timely (and apposite) this post is! I hope I may have your permission to print it off.

  2. The thing about this sort of committee meeting is that everyone at it needs to either be shot or given ECT.

    Growth isn't the end game for any faith group - bringing in the Aker's is.

    So, you need to attract several rich donors who you can fawn on and encourage to be benefactors (preferably weekly) of a couple of grand a month. This will pay the stipend, keep the boiler on in the winter and buy enough fair trade coffee and snacks for a whole year.

    This could fund a minibus to bring the congregation to church, avoiding the need to retain land as a car park, which could be sold off for more spondoola.

    The encouragement of poorer folk to sit in the Servants gallery is a good thing, as their body heat will keep them warm, meaning you can disconnect the heating up there.


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