The Parish System in a Simple Diagram

Many of us sometimes wonder about the Church of England. For example - how come its votes always seem so different to what its members think? Why come it still exists? But one of those questions you can spend hours wondering is - what on earth is the parish system?

Well, worry no longer. Hnaef, who as we know is a closet Anglican, has kindly provided me with this diagram, which explains everything you need to know about the Parish system. I hope your restless brains can now find some sleep at night.

Modern Social Media Proverbs

Facebook before you tweet.

A trolling clone gathers no real friends.

Don't let the cat out of the hashtag.

On Google+ no-one's around to hear you scream.

Don't cut off your nose to spite Gervais.

On Twitter, a king may look at a cat.

All work and no play makes Jack more suited to LinkedIn.

Ask a silly question and you'll get 2,000 silly answers. And a load of followers who, according to their avatars, are nearly naked.

Beauty is in the lie of the profile pic.

Bieber is in the eye of the beholder.

Brevity is the soul of a twit.

Misery loves virtual company. It's like real company, but you can sit in your pyjamas and eat toast.

Always let the sun go down on your anger. Otherwise you'd never get to bed.

Silence is golden. But it's not really the point, is it?

No news is a sign the API has broken again.

The cobbler's children have the worst shoes. But don't care. They never go out, because they're always on Skype.

The hand that rocks the cradle leaves a spare hand to operate the smartphone.

Those that throw glass houses should throw lots of stones. Then nobody will notice they've no windows left.

A little Twitter knowledge is a spurious thing.

Cuteness killed the catz.

Never speak ill of the dead. They may be on Twitter.

Never judge a blog by the cover.

The road to hell is paved with @mentions.

You can lead a horse to water, but if it doesn't fall in there's no point putting it on Pinterest.

Too many tweets get your API blocked.

Two is company, but it doesn't do much for your Twitter Grader score.

Those that do not learn from history are doomed to retweet it.

There's no such thing as bad publicity. Unless you've got to wade through thousands of pages of online insults.

There are two sides to every argument. But don't go acting like that's true.

The best things in life are free. Although they come with a number of sponsored links.

A friend on Facebook is not necessarily someone you actually know.

Hell hath no fury like two Catholics disagreeing on Twitter.

Eat, drink and be merry - all on your own, but tell us about it.

After a (twitter) storm comes the realisation we all got it wrong.

A tweet of beauty is a trend for about ten minutes.

30,000 followers corrupt absolutely.

Ignorance is bliss. Because you can share your opinion without wasting your time on research.

Stupid is as stupid posts.

Careless words waste hours.

It is easy to be wise after the event. But you miss out on all that speculation.

Fools rush in where angels decide not to retweet unfounded rumours.

Tweet in haste, retweet at Her Majesty's Pleasure.

Ne'er cast a clout and then put the photos on Facebook.

Least said, soonest mended. Although it's rather missing the point.

The Lords - A Correction

I feel I have to make a clarification.

I previously said that the House of Lords was a "retrogressive, unelected house dedicated to cronyism and the preservation of privilege, made up of a mixture of place-men and -women and inbred, chinless wonders who try to prevent any kind of progress". What I really meant to say was, "the House of Lords is a bunch of dangerous progressives. They should immediately be replaced, before they do any more damage,  by the heirs of 1,000 years of staunch English heritage to ensure the stability of British civilisation." 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to marry my sister. I'm hoping one of us might become Queen.


(thanks to David Keen's tweet for the inspiration)

Ceremony of Trying to Please Everybody

Hymn: Build Your Kingdom Here

Arfur: That's a bit modern isn't it?

Archdruid: Oh, is it? OK - let's have something else, then....

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Mursley: That's a bit old, isn't it?

Archdruid: OK, how about this more modern one?

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Horwood: Nah, that's a bit slow.

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Apsley: On behalf of the Beaker Unitariansm can I say that we find all these Trinitarian hymns deeply offensive.

Archdruid: OK. How about a compromise? We just never mention the Holy Spirit?

Hnaef: And then how will we be distinguishable from the Church of England?

Archdruid: OK. Scrub the hymns. Although, to placate the Beaker Quire, we'll sing a few extra ones sometime. Let's get onto the Blessing the Tea Light Stand.

Horwood: I think it would look best by the Worship Focus.

Mursley: Well I reckon it goes best by the door, so we can light tea lights as we come in.

Archdruid: I'm ahead of all of you. This tea light stand is on castors so it can go where you like. To you!

(Beaker Folk run screaming as the tea light stand, complete with lit tea lights, careers across the Moot House)

Barry Chuckle: To me! 

(Beaker Folk run screaming as the tea light stand hurtles back)

The Archdruid's all-purpose sermon for not offending anyone

"Today we are acutely aware that the Lords are discussing the Same Sex Marriage bill. And I'm acutely aware that we have some Beaker Folk who are so in favour of the legislation that they would outlaw mixed-sex marriages. And others who are so wedded to the idea of the  "slippery slope" argument that they believe if we allow same-sex marriage, it won't be long before people are engaging in marriages of convenience to turtles to get round endangered species smuggling laws.

"At this point it behoves a prophetic leader to refuse to cower to one side or the other - instead to set out what she believes the word of God is to this generation, boldly and without fear of losing her followers. So let us move on, pausing only to remark that this vitally important legislation is wasting valuable time that could have been used on something important.

"So now let us move onto our use of money. I'm gonna be bold here, stick my neck out and say - you probably know best. I'm not gonna judge.

" Erm... isn't the summer lovely? The sun shining, the grass growing, the oil seed rape flowers shining here in England's green and yellow land. But of course let's not forget those of Celtic descent who can't go outside in summer without turning the colour of a raspberry, or people with hay fever. Bloody summer, eh? Hate it. I'll be glad when winter's here. Although obviously it's not good for people with SAD. Surely there must be a day in September we can all agree on?

"And so we come to our main theme of the evening. God keeps her promises. Although let's not forget all the people he seems, in a very real sense, to let down. They should not be afraid to shout at God - but very quietly, so as not to offend those who think shouting at God is blasphemy. Or, if they're middle class, rather undignified."

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

(All may leave, confused.)

Shampoo from L'Arminian

Does your hair lack lustre? Is it dour and joyless?  Do you feel predestined to look like you have a round head?

Well, now you have a choice. New from L'Arminian, it's Assurance Shampoo. With Assurance, you'll feel your hair is bouncy, full-bodied and strangely warmed.

L'Arminian. Even though you're not worth it.

Revealing the New Dr Who

He is loved by all. He has contacts high in the British Establishment, yet went away with barely a warning. He is fond of profound remarks which nobody understands. A man famous for his colourful and unusual clothes. Somebody who is "available for other projects" - and makes a convincing Doctor. There is clearly only one man for the job.

 

Liturgy for the Nativity of Thomas Hardy (1840)

Archdruid: Forasmuch as there may or may not be a god, we come together to give thanks, or merely to reflect thankfully, on the life of Thomas Hardy, of Upper Bockhampton, Dorset. Lover of the countryside, folk song, traditional tales and pretty young girls.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles: He fancied the a*** off me, I tell 'ee.

All: Tess! For shame! Where did you learn words like that?

Tess of the D'Urbervilles: Look, 'ee don't spend 120 years in Literary Character Purgatory without learning some choice language, I'll tell 'ee. That Sergeant Troy knows some stuff...

All: OK, moving on.

Archdruid: I would like, if I may, to read this little poem wot I wrote in the manner of Thomas Hardy...

The Fluffy Bunny

Oh Bunny much missed, how you hopped on the lawn,
Hopped on the lawn.
Reflecting, well-natured, the plight of all nature
Born to freedom, yet doomed to live the days of your life in a cage
In a cage.
Yet snatching at the brief liberty in that fading sunlight,
the smell of privet yet hanging in the air 
like the memory of an old love, now dead and gone as we all shall be.

Oh Bunny much missed, how you gazed at that lettuce
Gazed at that lettuce.
Hoping that, though all life is shorter than were your ears, 
you might yet grasp one brief moment of joy, the succulent leaves
succulent leaves.
Yet myxomatosis took you when you least expected,
we had to hit you with a big stick
and now you're down the bottom of the garden with all the others.

All: For Pete's sake, Eileen. Wasn't the real thing bad enough?

Canticle: To Hypothetical First Cause

Oh, hypothetical First Cause
Merciless flinger of unending years
We bow before your blind gaze
Wondering at your total indifference.

Oh, hypothetical First Cause
Merciless flinger of cruel misfortune
We wonder at the callous coincidence
which broke all your heroes and heroines.

Oh, hypothetical First Cause
Merciless flinger of blight and plague
Yet still we don't understand
Why anyone would like Jude the Obscure.

Oh, hypothetical First Cause
Slayer of Sweet Lizbie Brown
When we look at your trail of woe
We wonder if it's all strictly necessary.

Oh, hypothetical First Cause
Crusher of those who feel too much
How can some people make you in the image
of One who's clearly better than you are?

Oh, hypothetical First Cause
Alleged breaker of the nations
If you're really there,
We're hoping you're really sorry. (But please don't take it out on us if we're wrong)

Dismissal

Archdruid: Go in the heartless indifference and terrifying randomness of this meaningless world, ever seeing the best but taking a good look at the worst.

All: And may the President of the Immortals have his sport. Only not too much. And preferably at someone else's expense.

The BBC Abandons all Pretence of Being Modern

Perspectives: Has man’s dominion been good for the planet?"

You read that right. That's the headline of this BBC website article. I thought I'd make it big to make the point. Using the masculine to stand for the universal.

Before they bowdlerise it beyond belief, here's a screen shot of the article:

What are the BBC thinking of? What sort of ludicrous 19th Century attitude is being purveyed here?

Obviously the headline should be "Has men's dominion been good for the planet?" 

And the answer, equally obviously, is "no".

Wisdom of Solomon

A propos Dr Carey's latest comments - you will note that, in Biblical times, same-sex marriage was not allowed. King Solomon, in particular, was highly opposed. He said if that sort of thing happened it would be the thin end of the slippery slope. Before you knew it, people like Abraham would be marrying their sisters. And next thing you knew, there would be polygamy. Solomon was dead against that.

Chord off Guard

That was a nice modern song Hnaef introduced us to last night. Indeed, you could argue it was the apotheosis of modern musical worship.

The verse featured men and women singing slightly different tunes, in canon  - and two verses were sung before the chorus, which was A Capella. Then after verse 3 there was that bridge, cleverly sung in the minor key. Then we went up a note for the middle 8, and then that clever fade out with each stanza sung in a different Pentatonic mode. That extended French Horn solo was nice as well, counterpointed by people clicking their fingers on the off beat - not easy in 9/8.

Respect to the Beaker Folk. Other congregations would have struggled to keep up with the complexity and subtlety of the piece, sung as the closing hymn without any practice. But not our guys. Oh no - they just went straight home during Verse 2.

Not Worthy

A centurion had a slave who was ill.

Disposable things, Roman slaves, to a degree. But maybe even a tough Roman sergeant-major is going to recognise some humanity - regard the slave as merely a human being less fortunate than himself? Even the Romans only massacred slaves when they revolted. I once spent a morning discussing the text with someone  who tried to convince me that you could deduce that the servant was actually the centurion's lover. Well, maybe, but the Bible doesn't specify that relationship. I like to think that the soldier was capable of doing his best for the servant, regardless of domestic arrangements.Maybe I'm just naive.

But I think their specific relationship doesn't really matter, for the purposes of the story. It's their relationship to Jesus that matters. One has a need - and the other has belief. So that's the minimum requirement for Jesus to act. It's the centurion's faith that is remarkable - even beyond Jesus healing his servant. Across race and religion - reaching out to a scruffy wandering Jewish rabbi - I guess Jesus would have appeared to the centurion like a cross between the Dalai Kama and Russell Brand - mixing obvious holiness and random words of sense with apparent nonsense, spinning morals out of lilies and miracles from spit and dirt

So the thoughts of the Centurion - "The ointments have failed, and Asclepius has been pretty quiet, and the spells haven't worked. And there's a scruffy Jewish preacher who they say can do wonders. A hermit with an attitude - a man who mixes wonder, challenge and danger. Sure, I like these people. But it's not gonna help my dignity, is it? But I wonder..."

Some faith. Some humility. Some desperation. And some love for his slave. No wonder Jesus was impressed. No wonder he was able to heal.

But.... two healings of Gentiles - the Syro-Phoenician girl and the centurion's servant. Jesus heals them both - at a distance - and, as far as we're told, doesn't enter their house. Maybe that's a step too far, at this stage? Maybe this pious Jewish man only enters a Gentile dwelling when he's going to bring total healing for everybody. For now, whoever he hangs out with, whoever he heals - he's still staying ritually clean. The big revelation about all nations coming to God is being hinted at - but it's  not there yet.. It can wait.