Ceremony of Trying to Please Everybody

Hymn: Build Your Kingdom Here

Arfur: That's a bit modern isn't it?

Archdruid: Oh, is it? OK - let's have something else, then....

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Mursley: That's a bit old, isn't it?

Archdruid: OK, how about this more modern one?

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Horwood: Nah, that's a bit slow.

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Apsley: On behalf of the Beaker Unitariansm can I say that we find all these Trinitarian hymns deeply offensive.

Archdruid: OK. How about a compromise? We just never mention the Holy Spirit?

Hnaef: And then how will we be distinguishable from the Church of England?

Archdruid: OK. Scrub the hymns. Although, to placate the Beaker Quire, we'll sing a few extra ones sometime. Let's get onto the Blessing the Tea Light Stand.

Horwood: I think it would look best by the Worship Focus.

Mursley: Well I reckon it goes best by the door, so we can light tea lights as we come in.

Archdruid: I'm ahead of all of you. This tea light stand is on castors so it can go where you like. To you!

(Beaker Folk run screaming as the tea light stand, complete with lit tea lights, careers across the Moot House)

Barry Chuckle: To me! 

(Beaker Folk run screaming as the tea light stand hurtles back)

The Archdruid's all-purpose sermon for not offending anyone

"Today we are acutely aware that the Lords are discussing the Same Sex Marriage bill. And I'm acutely aware that we have some Beaker Folk who are so in favour of the legislation that they would outlaw mixed-sex marriages. And others who are so wedded to the idea of the  "slippery slope" argument that they believe if we allow same-sex marriage, it won't be long before people are engaging in marriages of convenience to turtles to get round endangered species smuggling laws.

"At this point it behoves a prophetic leader to refuse to cower to one side or the other - instead to set out what she believes the word of God is to this generation, boldly and without fear of losing her followers. So let us move on, pausing only to remark that this vitally important legislation is wasting valuable time that could have been used on something important.

"So now let us move onto our use of money. I'm gonna be bold here, stick my neck out and say - you probably know best. I'm not gonna judge.

" Erm... isn't the summer lovely? The sun shining, the grass growing, the oil seed rape flowers shining here in England's green and yellow land. But of course let's not forget those of Celtic descent who can't go outside in summer without turning the colour of a raspberry, or people with hay fever. Bloody summer, eh? Hate it. I'll be glad when winter's here. Although obviously it's not good for people with SAD. Surely there must be a day in September we can all agree on?

"And so we come to our main theme of the evening. God keeps her promises. Although let's not forget all the people he seems, in a very real sense, to let down. They should not be afraid to shout at God - but very quietly, so as not to offend those who think shouting at God is blasphemy. Or, if they're middle class, rather undignified."

Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

(All may leave, confused.)