Friday, 19 April 2013

Liturgy of Healing of an Internet Connection

Note: can be adapted for use with a failing laptop at work, or random error message.

Archdruid: Inasmuch as the Wireless Router no longer functions

All: It is as the brazen serpent, which heareth not the charmer, charm he never so wisely

Archdruid: So, we see the Internet as through a glass, darkly. We have but the bandwidth to download the whiskers on a Lolcat. Our latency is latent and our tweeting has been silenced in the streets.

All: Behold, for ye must needs phone the Help Desk at the service provider.

Archdruid: At these words is my heart heavy and my mind shall darkened be. For I know that the moment I phone the ISP, the connection will pick up.

All: Even so, must ye call out from the depths to "Mandy" in Bangalore. For it is the sick that need a doctor, and those whose Internet functioneth not that must call the Customer Service Centre.

Archdruid: Even though I walk in the valley of a computerised switchboard, I'll do it.....

On-hold music (Kingston Town by UB40)

Archdruid: Oh hello. "Tarquin?" Is that a common name in India? Oh, never mind. It,s my Internet connection. It's very erratic and now it's completely stopped. Yes, I know you can't see anything wrong. You never can. It's always my fault.... ooh. It's working. Well it wasn't a minute ago. Yes. I'll call back if it does it again.

The Archdruid may hang up gently or, as is more likely, throw the phone across the room - even unto the far wall.

All: It's stopped working again!

Hymn: A thousand ages in thy sight are as the time spent on-hold to a call centre.


  1. All: Hast thou thought of turning it off and on again?

    Archdruid: Yea, that usually solveth the problem.

  2. Rather weird. As I opened this page, itemporarily froze and a message came up saying "Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley page is not responding - recover web page"
    I think you've put the mockers on it!

  3. I rather like this liturgy thing. Might have to write one or two too! :)

    1. Does it count as ironic that I only read this today as my internet connection has been down.
      'Hast thou waited two weeks for a BT "engineer"'


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