Some Subtle Subtitles for Church Vacancies

It can be hard work, trying to attract a new minister to your church. What with the phenomenally high wages and bonus schemes common throughout the clerical world, the important thing is to remember that it's the softer things that can help you attract a new minister. Here, then, are some useful phrases with which to scatter your ad or church profile - and what you will be hiding beneath the covers.

What to say	What it means
looking for an energetic minister	After three years without sleep you'll forget what it is to dream.
a mature congregation	For the first four years, the Parish Share will be padded by legacies.
We are interested in Fresh Expressions	We now have Pet Services every week, and Communion once a month.
We have not passed any resolutions, but would expect sensitivity towards those whose views were so strongly expressed in the debate.	"Y" chromosomes are strictly obligatory.
An active lay ministry team	They've a habit of mining the vicarage garden, to keep themselves in work.
A rural benefice	Seventeen villages, four churchgoers in each. And they all want a weekly service.
Someone able to spread warmth	The boiler's always breaking down.
With a strong grasp on their vision	It normally takes us three months to completely break a new minister's spirit. We'd appreciate a bit more of a challenge.
An exciting time for our church.	We're thinking of buying a new Hymn Book.
a people-centred pastor	Your phone will never stop ringing
open minded	The Choir form the backbone of the local wife-swapping circle
Good at building bridges	The argument started about whether to move the tea light stand, and now the Flower Arrangers are refining uranium.
A developing ministry	We've got some funding, and we're dying to work out what to do with it. We're hoping you may have some ideas?
Styles of worship include Cafe Church, BCP Morning Prayer, High Mass, Folk Communion, Goth Mass, Messy Church and Benediction.	We're looking for a very energetic chameleon.
Strong involvement with the local schools	You'll never get out of governors' meetings.
We really need young families	We're stating the obvious, and we've no idea what to do about it.
We need a minister with strong, conservative theology and a heart for men's ministry.	Someone who's definitely not gay.
Looking for a minister who can engage with the church community...	In fact, we really want a married forty-year-old man with three churchgoing children.
... with a strong Sunday School...	...so we hope your wife will be leading it from now on. We're all knackered.
...a minister with a passion for growing church	We reckon the last few just liked decline.
....able to work as part of a team....	Pliable
Prophetic	Inclined to denouncing the outside world. And quite right, too. It's dreadful.