Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Bible "Not Written by God"

On this most Shakespearean day of the year, when traditionally broadsheet newspapers queue up to prove that Shakespeare didn't write Shakespeare, I would like to share with you another radical theory.

It may astound many, and cause Drayton Parslow to cry, but I believe I have the evidence to prove that the Bible was not written by God.

The various theories are as follows:

a) Everybody knows it was written by King James. That's why it's got his name on it.
b) It may have been written by a shadowy bunch known as the "Apostles and Prophets". This is not to say that God was not the inspiration behind it - acting as a kind of manager, if you will - but he never actually put pen to paper. Although he may have put finger to tablet, and, indeed, wall.
c) He never signs it.
d) There is a suggestion in some versions that the first first five books were written by a "Moses". Or the Earl of Oxford.
e) The writing style is all over the place. If it were written by God, surely it would be more consistent and - above all - self-assured?
f) The author of Revelation claims to be known as "John". As far as we aware this is not God's first name.
g) What would the point be of arguing about whether there was a 1st and 2nd (and 3rd and 4th) Isaiah, each smaller than the previous like they're a bunch of Russian dolls, if all along it was God that wrote the lot?
h) God would have known that floods don't work like that.
i) God didn't go to Eton, so clearly this kind of thing would have been beyond him.
j) Occasionally God is portrayed in an unflattering light - as unsure whether to smite people or not, or getting angry.


  1. When they prove that Shakespeare wasn't written by Shakespeare, they usually conclude that it was written by someone who used the name Shakespeare.

    Do we then assume that although the Bible wasn't written by God it was written by someone called God?

  2. Have you never heard of "Multiple Personality Disorder," your Archdruidness? John, Paul, Moses, Isaiah and all the rest. It's patently obvious. God is a nutter. Nutters Rule OK!


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