Saturday, 20 April 2013

Stonehenge General Manager - Job Application

Mistletoe Grove
Avalon of the Apple Trees

Dear Madam or Sir

Enclosed find my application for the role of Stonehenge General Manager. I attach my CV, of course, but I feel I should pick out some of the salient points.

I have a long experience of dealing with Stonehenge. Indeed I built it. This was a major project management exercise, though it did not, as is often believed, involve vast armies of Neolithic labourers dragging the bluestones from Wales and the sarsens from the Marlborough Downs. Rather, I used cutting-edge geopsychic technology. Or, to put it simply, I used magic. Nor was it an exercise in bringing together the disparate tribes of Old Britain in a common religious endeavour. Frankly, I did it because I could. And to upset the Irish druids I nicked it from in the first place.

I notice that, under your guardianship, the old place has rather gone to ruin. To be honest, it looks like you've been giving it the same treatment that Maggie Thatcher gave to Barnsley. Most of my stones have gone missing, some of the ones left have fallen over. And it looks like it's been centuries since the whole thing had a lick of paint. It had a lovely woad emulsion in my day. And you've lost the roof, by the look of it. So my first step would be to get some replacements in. I reckon if we "repurposed" a few sarsens from Avebury, and got a load more spotted dolomite in from South Wales, we could have it ship shape in a week or less. I take it that magic levitation of stones is still one of your selection criteria?

Of course, the side effect of having the full circle of stones last time was when it raised a massive psycho-physical storm and wreaked terrible destruction on Basingstoke. But I've undertaken a risk review, and don't think we've too much to worry about. I'm not sure they've got over the last one, yet.
A bit run down
I also notice that the "Hungry Horse" pub at Durrington Walls has gone as well. I suggest we get that rebuilt as quickly as possible, and pilgrims to the site will once again be able to enjoy giant racks of ribs and piles of steak.

Now, I know what you're thinking after looking at my CV. With a background in construction and the entertainment industry, what good would I be in what is fundamentally a "business as usual" role? And the answer is - I think we can take Stonehenge to new heights. My career as an adviser and part-time cartoon character with Disney has shown me how we can put the "wow" into even the most ancient of earthworks. That's why I'm suggesting that we expand the Stonehenge Landscape to include the "Amesbury Archery Centre", where toxopholites can recreate the invasions that brought the New Stone Age to an end in a bloodbath of bronze and a hail of arrows. The "Tumulus Tornado" rollercoaster will give tourists the excitement of actually heading straight through a series of burial mounds - complete with scary skeletons and Neolithic Men rising from their graves in a fantastic animatronic display. And, once the concept is completely worked out, we'll open a string of Stonehenges in more accessible parts of Britain - as the Internet really starts to bite, I anticipate cheap sites opening up in out-of-town shopping centres around the country.

Nor are my ambitions limited to the UK. The current travails of the Eurozone may make Euro-Stonehenge (or "Carnac", as I believe it's called) more of a future aspiration. But based on my projections, we should aim to pick up a couple of spare Greek islands, and maybe part of Cyprus. Those places have plenty of old ruins laying around, and we should be able to create a Stonehenge Experience with decent weather - and where you're more or less guaranteed a view of the Solstice Sunrise.

As to references, I'm afraid I'm struggling there. Obviously, most of my work has been freelance. My first client (for whom I worked as a reproductive health advisor) was Uther Pendragon. Unfortunately he died of an overdose of instant coffee, while his son, Arthur, who took over the family firm, was last heard of sleeping in a cave in Wales. Morgana le Fay did say she'd write me a personal reference, but some would say it's more of a poison pen letter. Seriously. Don't touch the ink.

But I hope you can see that I'm just the man to help you bring Stonehenge back to its former glories. I have three months' notice but, since I'm a wizard, I can rearrange time to start immediately.

Yours faithfully


1 comment :

  1. 'reproductive health advisor' for Uther Pendragon - brilliant!!

    love Mags B x


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