Ceremony of Not Blessing Things We'd Rather Not Think About

Archdruid: Brothers and sisters, we are gathered together today not to bless something we'd rather not think about.

All: And also with you.

Archdruid: The thing we'd rather not think about is something we don't necessarily think is instituted by God, or at least not in a manner we'd really want to think about. If at all. So we won't be blessing it. We'll say prayers for those who've come to us for affirmation, prayer and support. And then we'll move on to something more reasonable, which we'd rather be thinking about.

All: Too right. We want to get off to the Reception. That DJ's got a great collection of 80s Madonna records.

Archdruid: And so we now we welcome F and F (or, as it may be, M and M), who have come to be not joined in anything holy at all, although we will be praying for them to be blessed - not blessed, more kind of recognised - in their doing what we'd rather not think about. Actually, I don't like "recognised" much either.

All: It's some kind of a tribute to them that they're here at all, frankly.

Archdruid: M and M (or, as it may be F and F) - we'd rather not go into any details, but have you been to a Registry Office and signed a certain civil agreement I'm not going to mention?

F and F (or, as it may be M and M): Yes we have.

Archdruid: Members of the Beaker Folk. It's all a bit late to ask this, frankly, but does anyone know any reason why they shouldn't have done that?

Drayton Parslow (running in like a sharp-suited Dustin Hoffman): YES!  Do you know what it is they get up to?

Archdruid: We're trying not to mention it.

Drayton Parslow: Disgusting! You're all disgusting!

Archdruid: OK. M and M (or, as it may be, F and F) - we're not going to mention it, or necessarily approve. But God bless you. I mean - no, scrub that. May.... er... may you be in our prayers, whatever you get up to...

Drayton Parslow: NOT THAT!

Archdruid: And I now pronounce you two people whose private life I'm definitely not going to be thinking about. And I'm going to hope we've struck just the right balance between those who definitely aren't in favour of that kind of thing, and those who think we ought to be more in favour of that kind of thing. If you know what I mean.

All: We certainly do. Amen.