Five Go to Church

One of the more interesting aspects of Enid Blyton's writing is the near-total failure of her characters to attend any kind of worship.  I believe Darrell Rivers may have occasionally attended the chapel at Malory Towers, after Mavis went missing if I recall correctly. But otherwise they were a surprisingly godless lot, for such a bunch of utter upper-class English weeds. But here we have the fragment that reveals Blyton's experimental chapter, in which the Famous Five encounter religious experience.

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"I'm sorry, young sir," said the sidesman. "There's no way you can bring your dog in here. This is a holy place. You'll have to tie him up outside the church hall along with Kiki the parrot."

"I'm not a boy, I'm a girl," responded George, " (although I'm as good as a boy), and Timmy's one of the Famous Five. He's nearly human. Surely he can come in?"

"Afraid not, miss. We've not invented pet services yet. But we can give him a bowl of water, or, if he prefers, ginger-beer?"

Grumbling, George tied Timmy up next to the squawking  parrot, and rejoined her cousins.

"Oh gosh," exclaimed Anne, "look at that lovely altar frontal - and the banner with a line from a 1970s chorus embroidered on it. I'm going to come to church all the time now, so I can join the banner-making group."

"Hush up, you chaps," whispered Peter. "It's all about to start, and we've got to be quiet."

The organ boomed out as the first hymn started. Alarmed by the noise, Anne clung onto Dick.

"Oh Dick, what is that?"

"Don't worry, Anne. I'll protect you. My goodness, look - it's a bunch of men in frocks."

The altar party passed by them. Dick watched them closely in case they tried to kidnap the children.

"They're a rum lot," remarked Julian, "and I suspect that, dressed like that, they may be foreign. I heard somebody mention a "Kyrie Eleison", so they may well be Italian. Look out, everyone."

But there was no cause for alarm, and they enjoyed the singing of "Jerusalem" and "Land of Hope and Glory", the sermon on "God's chosen people - the English" and then the final hymn - all the verses of the National Anthem.

At the end of the service they chatted to a nice round-faced farmer's wife, who handed out tea to the adults and fizzy pop to the children.

"Actually," said George, "I quite like this religion thing. And I fancy the idea of standing up the front and telling everyone else what to do. What to do you call the chap in charge?"

"That was the vicar," said the woman.

"And he's in charge?"

"Well, his boss is the bishop - and he lives in the Palace, next to Kirrin Cathedral."

"In that case, I want to be a bishop," persisted George.

"Yes, that's a good thing for a handsome young man like you to aspire to," replied the woman.

"She may look like a boy," interjected Dick, "but in fact she's a girl."

"Ah. In that case I'm afraid you can't be a bishop."

"I don't see why not," said George, "I'm as good as any boy."

"Not round here, you're not. This is the Church of England."

Outside they heard the sound of barking, and a cry of "Cor blimey, that dog's got me trousers."

"Quick, let's get outside," shouted Julian, "some nasty Cockney oiks are stealing the lead off the church roof."

"Oh Julian," exclaimed Anne, "you can be so grown-up sometimes."