Thursday 10 January 2019

The Mystery Religion of the Salad Bags

(From the Archaeological Times, year 2132 After Brexit)

The mystery of the "salad bags" of the times Before Brexit has puzzled researchers for centuries. But finally, through careful analysis of deposits occurring throughout what was formerly called the "United Kingdom"* we believe we have the answer.

The people of the last outpost of the British Empire attended no church as we would understand it. Instead they used their church buildings as the centre pieces of cemeteries, places to sell second-hand clothes and knick knacks and postcards. 

Instead their religious devotions appear to have been in summoning men from the East to cook them, on Fridays and Saturdays, strongly-spiced foods. It appears that they consumed these with large bottles of their beer, with names such as "Stella", "Cobra" or "Tiger" written on the side - possibly the names of their gods - respectively a  star deity, and two gods representing the strength of their animal spirits.

After eating the meals, the people of the United Kingdom then took the only vegetables in this ritual repast - a small quantity of salad, which was never consumed - sealed it in a plastic bag and had it collected the following week by a priestly caste called "bin men" in a large vehicle built to resemble the Juggernaut.  It was then cast, with other ritual offerings, into a large hole in the ground. Given that many of these items were of high value - batteries, toys, and vast amounts of other food - we believe we are right in thinking this was an offering to a deity.

But why would they seal these bags in air tight conditions, such that the salad could survive without decay for centuries? We have thought long and hard - compared it to the grain offerings of the Ancient Hebrews - and concluded there is only one possible solution.

It was a fertility rite.

* An area comprising parts of what are now Ireland, the Swedish Empire, France and Wales


  1. Thank you for some humour amid the encircling gloom.

  2. I have often wondered about the point of salads in bags, commonly found on the shelves of supermarkets. I understand that this is for convenience, but why not just buy it loose and concoct your own personal salad. Our grand parents did it, as did our parents. I blame David Cameron and his coalition government which imposed this nonsense on us, alongside a referendum, which nobody wanted, except a few narky tory back benchers. I say try him for treason and put him in the Bastile.


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