Monday 1 July 2019

Husborne Crawley Tory Hustings

Wild old time at the Husborne Crawley hustings for the Conservative Party leadership election. Afraid we had to call a halt to proceedings after Jeremy Hunt attached his own tongue to the wall with a staple gun to prove how prepared he was for a no-deal Brexit. But here are the answers to the questions we managed to get through.

Q: You both state you are prepared for the damage that a no-deal Brexit will inflict on the United Kingdom. But how much of British business are you prepared to lose to deliver it?

BJ: All of it. I am happy for every shop in Britain to close as long as we leave the European Union.

JH: This is the sort of liberalism we expect from a Tory wet. I for one am ready to burn down every warehouse in Warwickshire to ensure we move into a brave new world, free of business and profit.

Q: Is it important for a future Prime Minister to show moral integrity and be trustworthy?

BJ: I would like at this point to refer to some of the great PMs of the past. Winston Churchill never got past teatime sober. Lloyd George was like a Jack Russell in the spring if there were women around. And John Major had an affair with Mrs Currie. I am determined to follow in their footsteps. Apart from John Major's.

JH: I am nailing my own earlobes to the floorboards to prove how tough I am.

Q: The Chancellor appears to have warned that the "war chest" he has built up will only be available for discretionary spending in the event of a deal with the EU. If there's no-deal, it will be necessary to use the money to prop up the British economy. Yet you have made some fairly extravagant promises around public spending. How do you justify this?

B: We currently spend £350 Million per week on the EU. We could spend this on giving soup to the hard-working British public instead.

JH: I'm so hard, I've got a Geordie tap-dancing team on my chest wearing running spikes.

Q: But the Conservative party has traditionally been seen as a pro-business, financially-responsible part of government. And you seem to be throwing money randomly around at a time when your pursuit of a destructive EU policy means the country will be in a terrible financial state.

BJ: I paint buses. I love to paint buses. But after I've painted them, I burn them. So nobody ever sees them.

JH: You looking at me? You looking at me?

Q: Mrs May was accused of kicking the can down the road on the deadline. But you're both saying that you are going to deliver Brexit before 31 October. So just when will you decide a deal will not be happening?

BJ: October 31.

JH: September 30.

BJ: March last year.

JH: 1943.

Q: How will you solve the problem of the Irish Border?

BJ: Free potatoes!

JH: Wishful thinking and magic. Both of which are technologies that already exist and are being used. Mostly by the Conservative Party.

Q: You  are both bigging up your no-deal credentials. But you are both wealthy men. And Liz Truss has gone on record as supporting "entreprenuers". Just how prepared are you to share in the pain of a no-deal Brexit?

BJ: Hardship? I've been sleeping on a lilo the last 2 weeks. What more hardship do you want? It's like being at Eton.

JH: Pass me that staple gun.


  1. We voted to leave. Get over it.

  2. I can imagine this sort of response from Bojo, but Jeremy Hunt is a nice, touchy feely Tory. Ask anyone in the Health Service or the Iranian President.

    The choices are stark with either of them as PM. I and my spouse are contemplating moving to Scotland (My mother was a Scot) so we must have qualifying connections - this way, we might, if pigs can fly, remain in Europe after the Indy referendum.

    The alternative is to move to Eire just south of the Border when we can provide a customs post for all traffic from the North and impose a huge tariff on all vehicles or even private cars trying to smuggle stuff in and out. That could be a win, win location.

  3. This is majestic : thank you!


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