Thursday 23 January 2020

The Beaker Folk Issue a Pamphlet About Civil Partnerships

The recent introduction of same-sex Civil Partnerships is such a problem, isn't it?

I mean, when we just had Civil Partnerships for people of the same gender, we had to work out a liturgy of Blessing Something We'd Rather Not Think About. And yes, it was a bit icky. But we got through it.

But now. Now it's Civil Partnerships for people of the opposite, complementary or, if you prefer, asymmetric genders. And that's even trickier. Don't get me wrong. It's not that we of the Beaker Folk - of all people - don't approve of the way  that a non-same-sex Civil Partnership apparently rejects patriarchal attitudes. Great idea. Indeed, at our own Beaker Handfastings we have the modified "Giving Away" phase of the service, where the groom's mother pleads to give him away while the bride's family say the bride would be better off without him.

And same-sex Civil Partnership was great for letting people with similar - ahem - apparatus get some of the benefits of being married, while pretending none of them were actually... you know... you're right, let's not think about it too much.

Because you wouldn't actually want to think about people in these partnerships having sex would you? After all, that's what marriage is for. Thinking about sex, obviously, not actually having it. I mean. Take  Drayton Parslow's marriage. Marjorie has once again gone off to live in a convent of Fundamental Baptist Nuns. And Drayton's gone back to brisk 15 mile walks to take his mind off things. That's how things are supposed to be in an old-fashioned English marriage. So who needs any kind of Civil Partnership? Except maybe bachelor siblings who think it might be nice to avoid a bit of inheritance tax when one of them dies. And of course they're not allowed to have Civil Partnerships.

So I'm putting out an official Beaker Folk Pamphlet on the subject of sex and relationships. Called "Stop doing that, it's beastly." And I hope that will put a end to the matter.

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