Liturgy for a Boris Johnson Address to the Nation in the Time of Covid

Dies Irae

Archdruid: Alas

All: Alas

Archdruid: And thrice alas.

All: And alack.

Ritual of the Heavy Heart

Archdruid: It is with a heavy heart. 

All: A heavy, heavy heart. 

Archdruid: Nobody knows what a heavy heart I have. 

All: Nobody knows but Jesus.

Archdruid: Were our hearts to be weighed on the scales, like unto that Egyptian thing in the Book of the Dead,

All: They'd be heavy.

Archdruid: Really heavy.

Neil from the Young Ones: Heavier than that.

Absolution

Archdruid: None of this is my fault.

All: Nor our fault.

Archdruid: It's all other people's faults.

All: Not our fault at all. Is it your fault?

Archdruid: Not my fault.

All: Nor ours.

Archdruid: I blame the teenagers.

All: And we blame the old people.

Archdruid: And the teachers.

All: And the NHS. Caring for the sick, what do they know? 

The Upbeat Conclusion

Archdruid: It'll all be normal by Easter

All: Or Pentecost.

Archdruid: Michaelmas

All: Or maybe Christmas.

Rishi Sunak: Don't forget - Eat Out to help Out!

Archdruid: Some of you are going to die.

Johnson: Martyrs, of course, to the indecision I will provide. 

All: We're only wanting freedom. We're only wanting freedom.

Michael Gove: And get into the office or your job will be stolen by a Belgian.

Boris Johnson: Actually, that's probably already happened. Still! All the Bloaters you can eat! Phwah!