Tuesday, 13 April 2021

Over-commemorating Prince Philip

There's been some suggestions that we've overreacted to the death of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Just because we've been tolling the Kazakh Mourning Gong every 30 seconds day and night. At least since Amazon delivered it.

And why is everyone so upset about us replacing every single service with a Beaker Requiem Mass? Didn't all the churches?

And making all conversations contain a minimum 40% discussion about Prince Philip.

And yes, in retrospect, flying the flags at half-mast was a mistake. But we couldn't get any online. And the only Union Flags we had, apart from a pair of Burton Dasset's pants (which we firmly rejected, not least as he was wearing them at the time) was bunting. And flying bunting at half mast is a bit of a hazard. But not as much as Burton's pants.

We decided to go a bit more proactive on the mourning after complaints that the commemoration of the Queen Mother was a bit sorrow-lite. I didn't see it. A 24 hour gin party struck me as just the thing she'd approve of. But people were overreacting to the mourning period for Princess Diana. Apparently in Husborne Crawley so many people were weeping onto the M1 from the Bedford Road bridge, that the cortege needed to use windscreen wipers.

Among the complaints I have received are:
Too much mention of Prince Philip 
Not enough mention of Prince Philip 
Too many complaints about too much mention of Prince Philip 
Too easy to complain 
Too hard to complain*
Not enough photos of Diana.

Well, the Diana one is tricky. Doris Medium, the Beaker Clairvoyant, tells us there's a massive fight going on in the afterlife as Prince Philip, with a heavenly shotgun, demands Mohammed Al Fayed takes back his accusations. But then, Doris's psychic abilities are a bit suspect since she forecast that 2020 would be the best year Britain ever had, and Brexit would do wonders for Northern Ireland. Never trust anyone who claims to be channeling Sir James Goldsmith, I say.

Any case. In response to all the complaints, I shall be running an independent inquiry to determine whether the Prince Philip-tide season has been brilliant or merely acceptable.

Today's programme:

8am Wailing and gnashing of teeth 
10am Socially-distanced memorial game of bicycle polo
12 noon Prince Philip Memorial Lunch in the Prince Philip Dining Room (all dishes á la Grecque)
2pm Lamentations of Penny Junor
4pm Presentation: "The Prince Philip I never Met" by Young Keith
6pm Tiffin
8pm Compline, featuring Burton Dasset's memories (yet again) of the day the Queen drove past him in London
10pm-6am Kontakion in the Siberian Tradition.

* but the whingers still managed to

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