Sunday, 25 April 2021

Setting Sail in the Vacuum of Integrity

 I don't know what all the fuss is about.

We all agreed at the last Moot that what the Beaker Folk needed was something to give them a lift. Something to raise the spirits. Something to increase the general happiness of the world.

And so I arranged for the purchase and fitting out of the new Beaker Boat, Vacuum of Integrity. And I think you've got to agree that it's a worthy boat for these difficult times. I'm going to leave it on the Duck Pond for a few days, just to lift everyone's spirits. Then Vanman Bert is going to take it down to Fenny Stratford so we can launch her on her future journeys.

And yes I know some people have criticised the Vacuum as being a waste of money. Some have suggested that maybe crushed velvet drapes, silk bedding and the exclusive design talents of Jasmine Bordello-Boudoir have been over-expensive at a time of hardship and fear for so many Beaker Folk.

But as Young Keith raised the St George's Cross on Friday, while the Sun that Never Sets on the Empire rose over the Amazon warehouse, it struck me that such criticisms are unpatriotic. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? The Vacuum will fly that flag on all truly English days - St George's, Shakespeare's birthday, the anniversary of Shakespeare's death, the coronation of Charles II and so on. And we've got a Union Jack somewhere for all the saints of the other British nations.

No, the carpers and whiners, doomsters, gloomsters and baby-boomsters need to look deep into their dark, bitter, treasonous hearts and think - why are you begrudging such a beautiful gift to the world?

Some have criticized the lack of transparency around how the boat was paid for. Especially since I was complaining about how poor I was just the other month. I can only say that, if anyone contributed to the boat's purchase and kitting-out, it is shyness that stops them having their generosity praised. We should laud their commitment to putting this thing of beauty on the water and not look for public acclaim. Even though, of course, I paid for it myself. I think the thing to do from now on is create a charity to look after the boat's maintenance and future refits (the autumn-winter fabrics collection looks stunning, darlings) so people don't have to sully themselves with such unworthy thoughts again.


  1. I think that Boris's refurbishment of the Downing Street Apartment is giving you the jitters. Dominic hasn't yet outed you, but given that you have consistently withdrawn the Mick from him over his Barnard Castle episode, you might be next on his chopping block. The question has to be, "What has he got on you"? that if revealed to your loving audience would cause you real harm with them. You can DM me if you like and you can trust that I will not divulge one iota of it, unless the money is right. Alternatively, you could pay me off not to divulge what I have against you. I will give you details of my Swiss Bank Account once you agree.

  2. I do love the phrase "while the Sun that Never Sets on the Empire rose over the Amazon warehouse"!

  3. In what way is the Union Jack for Dewi, then?


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