Sunday, 18 April 2021

20 Uses for a Mask in Church

Many intelligent people are complaining about the use of masks to restrict the transmission of Covid. Sorry. Did I say "many"? I meant "no". But still. Masks aren't all downside. There's lots of good reasons to embrace the mask in church... 
  1. Keeping your face warm on cold mornings
  2. Staying at home and paying a person with the same colour eyes to take your place
  3. Smuggling in and eating sweets
  4. Similar, but with a miniature of whisky
  5. Pretending to be Hannibal Lecter
  6. Or Douglas Bader, according to the mask
  7. Slipknot? No, you're probably right
  8. Experimenting with the right breathing method to steam your glasses up
  9. Singing without being spotted
  10. Sticking your tongue out at the preacher when they're making the Bible mean what they want it to
  11. Mouthing complaints about the kids running about without anyone knowing
  12. Wearing the colour of lipstick you really always wanted to wear without being judged
  13. Not bothering to shave
  14. Trying to blow it out like a balloon
  15. Wearing it on your chin instead of your nose, like it's some surreal beard
  16. Hiding a yawn
  17. Use it as a catapult once you can take it off in the churchyard
  18. Hiding lots of yawns
  19. Hammock for the church bats while you've taken your mask off to do the reading
  20. Not causing other people to die.


  1. 12 & 13 seemed a bit sexist until I found:

    although I'm still looking for an article about men using lipstick. Can anyone help? Particularly about a good choice of colour to go with my greying beard.

  2. I find using a mask in Church a useful disguise, But of course, the Reader Robes give it away. As I am the only Reader, its pretty obvious who it is in the mask. Also, my shorn scalp might also be a give away. And when I have to remove my mask to lead prayers, deliver the Gospel or preach I am indicted. I thought about pulling the hood of my Cassock Alb over my head, but the blue scarf gets in the way. Perhaps I should resign as a Reader to restore my privacy?


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