Tuesday 15 November 2011

Manly Worship

I can't tell you how much excitement I feel after this evening's "Manly Worship".

It was all Archdruid Eileen's idea. She said that if we wanted to know the sort of worship that would attract men to our Community, maybe we should let men organise the worship now and then.

Actually, thinking about it what she really said was that if we wanted to know the sort of worship that would attract men to our Community, we should reflect that it's been men organising the worship for 2,000 years. And then she said that she was taking the evening off, and a "bloke" would have to do it anyhow.

She then said that what she wanted was to see real, manly worship led by real, manly men. And that Hnaef and Young Keith weren't available, so I would have to do.

I think she meant it kindly.

And of course I have the perfect qualifications for leading manly worship. I would wager that nobody is as manly as I, as my interests are those that almost exclusively interest men:
  • Train-spotting.
  • Angling.
  • Real ale and cider. Not just drinking these manly beverages - after all, many women do also. But women rarely have a 2GB Access database, listing every pint they have drunk since the age of 18 together with tasting notes, a rating of colour and the temperature served to within 0.1C. Only a truly manly man would do this.
  • County cricket. As a dedicated follower of Northants County Cricket Club I am well-known to both the other people who watch 1st class cricket there, and who have given me the affectionate and ironic name, "Old Boring".

And so I chose some suitably manly music (which we did not sing nor dance to - merely sat there, nodding appreciatively), readings and liturgy for today's "Manly Filling-up of Beakers" [1]

Manly Worship

Introit: Keith Jarrett's "Innocence" - a really spiritual concept in a piece of modern jazz. Nice.

The Greeting
Burton: Awrite, mates?
All: Awrite, Burton?


Confession
Burton: So, done anything wrong?


All may leer and, if appropriate, make inappropriate gestures.

All: Not 'arf


Burton: You old rogues.

Ice-breaker
The discussion topic tonight is "If the church were a car, what kind of car would be it?" Answers involving the colour will not be accepted.

OT Reading from the Book of Numbers - a nice example of manly categorisation and organisation, as opposed to womanly tidying. (Although personally I would have organised the tribes in alphabetical order)

A Manly Meditation

We listen to a reading of the 1923 timetable for the Cambridge to Oxford "Varsity" line, and regret that the joy of being able to get on at Husborne Crawley Station, like that of alighting at Wendlebury Halt, is no longer with us.

Team-building Activity
Sorting our CDs into order. (More obsessively manly types may use the older liturgy, or "vinyl" as we called it). Women may merely sort their collections into alphabetical order of surnames, while men may adopt surname order within genre.

The Manly Sermon
In which I will illuminate the "Sermon on the Mount" with manly reflections on manly illustrations, such as how Jesus is our Wicket-Keeper: he's always behind us and he'll never drop us. Unless, of course, he emulates M.S. Dhoni's record in the summer 2011 India tour of England.

The Peace
We exchange the "slight shrug of recognition" of peace. Any actual physical contact (except with particularly attractive younger ladies) will be regarded as a sign of unmanliness.

Offertory Hymn
A rendition of John Foxx's greatest hit - cerebral, manly music. With none of that soppy "worshipping" that is so popular.



Interactive Prayers
Burton: So, if anyone's got anything you want us to pray for out loud....?

All: No, we're fine Burton. Nothing wrong with us. You just say a nice thanksgiving. But not too thankful - we don't wanna sound needy.


A tea light may be lit. With a blowtorch.


Dismissal
Burton: Now clear off, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.


[1] I know what you are thinking. As Young Keith made exactly that joke when he wandered in from work at the end of the service. And it's not manly, actually - that's just crude. And anyway, we don't have any shelves in the Moot House. Not that we don't know how to hang a shelf. Oh no, nothing wrong with our DIY skills. Just give us a drill, a HB pencil, a screwdriver and a spirit-level and we're your men.

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