Bonfire of the Straw Men - Health and Safety

OK. I know I said that we weren't going to have another Light Festival. But that was before this monumental cock-up happened.

In the sort of mix-up that could only happen if you rip off a joke from Spinal Tap, someone has designed the Corn Dollies in feet instead of inches. With the result that we have standing around the Big Field, a vast quantity of Straw Men. (For reasons that are obvious - ie they stand around being not much use and have a habit of falling over - I won't be complaining about the gendered language).

So instead of the Blessing of the Yuletide Merchandise that we had planned, we will instead have the Slaughter of the Straw Men.

I know that in common parlance you put up a Straw Man simply to knock it down, but where's the fun in that? So after you've each upended yours can you please drag it to the Place of Burning? I know I said no more fire-related activities this side of Blingtide, but we're going to have to do something.

But clearly this kind of straw-related activity has all sorts of dangers. So can you please ensure you comply with each of the following points that arose from the Risk Assessment we held instead of this morning's Pouring Out of Beakers.

1) Can those with fungal or hay-fever type allergies please wear appropriate masks or whole-body Chemical suits? We don't want to risk any sneezes.

2) Remember that some Straw Men have more weight than you imagine. So have a trial-push before you go for the full-on tip.

3) Can you leave the slack-jawed Straw Men standing? I'm impressed by the workmenship, and if we use a lime-based mortar on the outside we may be able to use them as totems.

4) We're in the middle of a ploughed field for this one, so please don't use any MHE without permission. Pallet trucks and tote lifters would be totally impractical. If you need assistance in pushing or tipping your Straw Man please wave your hi-viz round your head in an anti-clockwise direction. If clockwise, we will know you're drowning, not waving.

5) There is a 50 metre radius circle marked round the bonfire with hi viz spray paint. Do not cross into the Fire Zone wearing hi viz, as you may become part of the attraction. Simply draw the attention of the marshalls (like you're not going to draw their attention when you rock up with a twelve-foot Straw Man) who will transport it to the Pile.

6) Do not attempt to inhabit or enliven your Straw Man by climbing into it and running round the field chasing people. Some Beaker People are quite superstitious, and may assume the Straw Man has been possessed. And you may end up on the Pile yourself.

7) I'm afraid the Straw Men dedicated to "If we evolved from monkeys then why are there still monkeys around?" and "Everyone in the Old Days believed the world was flat" were very flimsy indeed. We had a gust of wind earlier and they've blown all over the field. So can the people who were assigned to these Men instead take the unpoured out Beakers and join the Bonfire Squad? With all these Straw Men to deal with there's going to be a lot of hot air about.