Friday, 25 November 2011

The King James Version - the "Gove" Preface

Every School To Receive A King James Bible, With Intro From Michael Gove

"Dave" Cameron, 

Prime Minister of England, Scotland and (Northern) Ireland,
Privy Councillor &c.

MICHAEL GOVE wishes Grace, Mercy and Peace, through JESUS CHRIST, our Lord.

GREAT and manifold were the blessings, most hip "Dave", which Almighty God, the Father of all mercies, bestowed upon us the people of England, when first he sent Your Shiny Face to rule and reign over us. For whereas it was the expectation of many, who wished not well unto our Sion, that upon the setting of that bright Grantham Star, MAGGIE of most happy memory, some thick and palpable clouds of BROWN-NESS would so have overshadowed this Land, that men should have been in doubt which way they were to walk; and that it should hardly be known, who was to direct the unsettled State; the appearance of your Face, as the Sun in his strength, instantly dispelled those supposed and surmised mists, and gave unto all that were well affected exceeding cause of comfort; especially when we beheld the Government established with His Cleggness, and Your hopeful Seat (Witney), by an undoubted Title, and this also accompanied with peace and tranquillity at home and abroad.

But among all our joys, there was no one that more filled our hearts, than the blessed continuance of the preaching of God's sacred Word among us; which is that inestimable treasure, which excelleth all the riches of the earth; because the fruit thereof extendeth itself, not only to the time spent in this transitory world, but directeth and disposeth men unto that eternal happiness which is achieved through a decent Banker's bonus. And it winds up the NSS something chronic.

Then not to suffer this to fall to the ground, but rather to take it up, and to continue it in that state, wherein the famous Predecessor of Your Daveness did leave it: nay, to go forward with the confidence and resolution of a Man in maintaining the truth of Maggie, and propagating it far and near, is that which hath so bound and firmly knit the hearts of all Your Daveness's loyal and religious people unto You, that Your very name is precious among them: their eye doth behold You with comfort, and they bless You in their hearts, as that sanctified Person who, under God, is the immediate Author of their true happiness. And this their contentment doth not diminish or decay, but every day increaseth and taketh strength, when they observe, that the zeal of Your Government toward the Citie of London doth not slack or go backward, but is more and more kindled, manifesting itself abroad in the farthest parts of Christendom, by writing in defence of the Truth, (which hath given such a blow unto that man of sin, as will not be healed,) and every day at home, by News International, by hearing the Mail read, by cherishing the Express thereof, by caring for the Telegraph, as a most tender and loving nursing Mate.

There are infinite arguments of this right Conservative and religious affection in Your Shiny-face; but none is more forcible to declare it to others than the vehement and perpetuated desire of accomplishing and publishing of this work, which now with all humility we present unto Your Daveness. For when the Tories had once out of deep judgment apprehended how convenient it was, that out of the Original Sacred Tongues, together with comparing of the labours, both in our own, and other foreign Languages (mostly "Received Pronunciation"), of many worthy men who went before us, there should be one more exact Reduction of the Publick Debt by the Shrinking of the State; Her Majesty's Governmen did never desist to urge and to excite those to whom it was commended, that the work might be hastened, and that the business might be expedited in so decent a manner, as a matter of such importance might justly require.

And now at last, by the Mercy of God, and the termination of Labour, it being brought unto such a conclusion, as that we have great hopes that the Conservative Party shall reap good fruit thereby; we hold it our duty to offer it to you, Dave, not only as to our Prime Minister, but as to the principal Mover and Author of the work: and I, humbly craven of Your most Shiny-faced Majesty, that since things of this quality have ever been subject to the censures of ill meaning and discontented persons, it may receive approbation and Patronage from so learned and judicious a Bloke as Your Daveness is, whose allowance and acceptance of our labours shall more honour and encourage us, than all the calumniations and hard interpretations of other men shall dismay us. So that if, on the one side, we shall be traduced by Socialist Persons at home or in the EU, who therefore will malign us, because we are poor Instruments to make God's holy Truth to be yet more and more known unto the people, whom they desire still to keep in ignorance and Blairism; or if, on the other side, we shall be maligned by self-conceited Libertarians and Knights of the Shires, who run their own ways, and give liking unto nothing, but what is framed by themselves, and hammered on their Anvil; we may rest secure, supported within by truth and innocency of a good conscience, having walked the ways of simplicity and integrity, as before the Lord; and sustained without by the powerful protection of Our Maggie's grace and favour, which will ever give countenance to honest and Conservative endeavours against bitter censures and uncharitable imputations.

The Lord of Heaven and earth bless Your Government with many and happy days (or at least until enough Lib Dems rebel that we have to hold an election), that, as his Heavenly hand hath enriched your Election with many singular and extraordinary Graces, so We may all be in it together, to the honour of that Great GOD, and the good of his Church, through Jesus Christ our Lord and only Saviour.

The lofty prose of the King James Version made it particularly suitable for reading out loud, at a time when most of the population was illiterate. Let's hope the distribution of the King James at this time isn't a clue to future education policy.

1 comment :

  1. Perhaps the revolt is coming sooner than we think and this is a cunning Tory plot to solidify their stranglehold over middle Earth; Gove as Gollum, featuring that lovable hobbit Cameron of the shires.

    Or perhaps they think most of the population are still illiterate, which of course they will certainly now be, as all the cash for text books has been spent on this stunt!


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