Monday, 29 April 2013

Some Subtle Subtitles for Church Vacancies

It can be hard work, trying to attract a new minister to your church. What with the phenomenally high wages and bonus schemes common throughout the clerical world, the important thing is to remember that it's the softer things that can help you attract a new minister. Here, then, are some useful phrases with which to scatter your ad or church profile - and what you will be hiding beneath the covers.

What to sayWhat it means
looking for an energetic ministerAfter three years without sleep you'll forget what it is to dream.
a mature congregationFor the first four years, the Parish Share will be padded by legacies.
We are interested in Fresh ExpressionsWe now have Pet Services every week, and Communion once a month.
We have not passed any resolutions, but would expect sensitivity towards those whose views were so strongly expressed in the debate."Y" chromosomes are strictly obligatory.
An active lay ministry teamThey've a habit of mining the vicarage garden, to keep themselves in work.
A rural beneficeSeventeen villages, four churchgoers in each. And they all want a weekly service.
Someone able to spread warmthThe boiler's always breaking down.
With a strong grasp on their visionIt normally takes us three months to completely break a new minister's spirit. We'd appreciate a bit more of a challenge.
An exciting time for our church.We're thinking of buying a new Hymn Book.
a people-centred pastor Your phone will never stop ringing
open mindedThe Choir form the backbone of the local wife-swapping circle
Good at building bridgesThe argument started about whether to move the tea light stand, and now the Flower Arrangers are refining uranium.
A developing ministryWe've got some funding, and we're dying to work out what to do with it. We're hoping you may have some ideas?
Styles of worship include Cafe Church, BCP Morning Prayer, High Mass, Folk Communion, Goth Mass, Messy Church and Benediction.We're looking for a very energetic chameleon.
Strong involvement with the local schoolsYou'll never get out of governors' meetings.
We really need young familiesWe're stating the obvious, and we've no idea what to do about it.
We need a minister with strong, conservative theology and a heart for men's ministry.Someone who's definitely not gay.
Looking for a minister who can engage with the church community...In fact, we really want a married forty-year-old man with three churchgoing children.
... with a strong Sunday we hope your wife will be leading it from now on. We're all knackered.
...a minister with a passion for growing churchWe reckon the last few just liked decline. to work as part of a team....Pliable
PropheticInclined to denouncing the outside world. And quite right, too. It's dreadful.


  1. You forgot the most 'interesting' one - "a good sense of humour"...

  2. Brilliant list. Here's another possible one:
    Knowledgeable about church traditions - Because we're not planning on changing a thing.

  3. We need a minister with strong, conservative theology and a heart for men's ministry. 'A gay man who is guilt-ridden and will never, ever leave the closed is a good alternative to a straight one, we think.'


Drop a thoughtful pebble in the comments bowl