"Jenni's had this sermon on "the Family Life of the Early Assyrians" waiting since 1984, and this is her chance...
"Reverend Brown had the only key. And he's gone to Spring Harvest. So we'll be singing lots of action songs, to stave off hypothermia."
"Normally at this stage we'd be taking the offering, but this week - it's time to bring on the goat..."
"It's time to share the peace. This week, Rev Janet's not around to stop us, and I'm desperate for some human contact, so I've got this new idea..."
"'ello, my name's Jim. I'm from t' village down t'road. And this week I'll be sharing my revolutionary views on the Doctrine of the Trinity. I read a book by Don Cupitt once, so you're in safe hands."
"Confession is always so general. I thought it would be better to be more specific. Now, then - adultery. Either somebody owns up to it, or we're all staying here till they do."
"Today's worship is being transferred to a Bus Replacement Service."
"I've always thought Hymns for Today's Church was a bit traddy. So this week, it's The Sydney Carter Experience"