Incense

As has happened before, the question of incense has raised its head again. This seems to happen every year around this time, and I am happy to discuss it, as I am every year. In fact, our treasurer - despite the expected gains from the insurance on the Doily House - has already approached me on the question of equity.

Once we'd got over my misunderstanding with regards to his am-dram expertise and possible ambitions in that direction, it became clear that he would be keen support offerings of incense as long as his favourite Magi-related gift is also well represented. Again, a misunderstanding arose, and it appears that he has a long-term interest in aromatic balms, which explains his nickname of "Gilead" among the finance committee.

Anyway, after some consultation, and wearing my "Health and Safety Hat" (please would people refrain from storing their used drawing pins in the lining), I will be accepting proposals for use of incense as long as they meet the following criteria:

1. Per previous negotiations, only a single thurifer may be burned.
2. Written notice will be given to all attendees that incense will be used in the service. Those wishing to leave will be reminded that they had adequate opportunity to submit a counter-proposal and asked to sit down in their usual pew and stop complaining: it's not as if it's going to kill them or anything. Those producing evidence of asthma or other allergies will be profusely apologised to and invited to a service of reconciliation to be held once the Moot House has been thoroughly fumigated. And then de-fumigated.
   
3. Emergency exits will be clearly signed (see leaflet "Standard practices when young Keith is attending services").
4. Only organic incenses may be used.
5. Only Fairtrade incenses may be used.
6. Only homeopathic incenses may be used.
7. Only biodegradable incenses may be used.
8. There are to be no "Frank" jokes.
9. Joss sticks will not be an acceptable alternative.
10. I will personally be checking the chemical make-up of all substances to be burned.

On a completely unrelated note, the giggling associated with the previous incense burning will not be tolerated. There will, however, be a supply of cakes and cookies in the event of sudden attacks of the munchies during the service.