I was startled to discover - well, discover what, exactly? An advert? A testimony? I'm unsure. In any case, it's a web page extolling the virtues of an Internet Chaplaincy, not in terms of spiritual fulfilment, not in terms of helping those in need of spiritual advice, sustenance or just a listening ear when Life's stresses become too strained. Or even the power to manipulate gullible fools, which I can see would be one attraction to this kind of ministry.
No, this page advocates becoming an Internet Chaplain because it's lucrative. Because you can make money.
Well, needless to say I was becoming interested by this stage. After all, St Bogwulf's is too small for the whole community. And while the Moot House building project (fireproof this time) is on schedule for February, just in time for Hnaef's planned Imbolc Incense Installation, Messrs Travis and Perkins still expect to be paid. And every penny I can earn on the side, is a penny I can stash away in the pockets of the Archdruidical robes for myself.
So the chances of filthy lucre beckon like willing minxes in an Essex nightclub. The following Internet Chaplaincy options are now available to you - the needy, spiritually unfulfilled - but more will be coming online just as soon as Mrs Hnaef has completed her self-taught LAMP course.
Internet Tea Lights - For only £1, Marston Mortaine will light a Tea Light on the Beaker web page. For £5 we'll send you your own special vanilla-scented tea light, with instructions on how to light it. For just £10 we'll post you a bucket of sand in case it all goes horribly wrong.
Pixel Pebbles - Like the tea lights, but pebbles appear on the screen. For a small additional charge we can inscribe the face of your choice of a deity, saint, dead pop singer or former member of the royal family onto the virtual pebble. A genuine religious artefact on your own desktop, in the comfort of your own home.
A Twitter Prayer. For just 25p per character we'll retweet a prayer of your choice. I currently only have 54 followers, but I'm sure that as soon as people know they'll be able to listen to the prayers of the socially inadequate, I'll have a lot more. Especially if the prayers relate to sexual issues.
IM Counselling - The clock's running, and for just 50p a minute I can tell you to get your act in order, pull yourself together and be a man (or woman, according to preference) and buck up. As an optional extra, I can sell you a postal tea light. For an extra 10p a minute, I can arrange for your to hear a soothing "beep" every minute, to tell you that's another 60p.
Facebook Friends You can ask to be my friend on Facebook for free. In fact one of these days I might even accept an invitation, once Mrs Hnaef can explain the mechanics to me. Apparently it's only Archbishops they block on the grounds of religious affiliation. But if you insist on sending me snowballs or cakes, poking me or asking me to join spurious campaigns for things you can't change*, I'll send the boys round to break your ankles. None of this is actually profitable for me, but I say you should always give something back.
* Thus confusing an aggregation of sad-acts who can't actually be bothered to do anything, with democracy. Easy mistake to make.
Well, It is good to see the spirit of enterprise and commercialisation has finally reached the leader of the Beaker Folk.
ReplyDeleteI actually wondered if you were on a stipend - Silly Me! Why would you be on a stipend, when you are in the position to coerce, sorry, charitably ask for contributions towards you ministry from the faithful.
As Beaker Folk, I would have thought that a nice line in Beer Mugs, sorry, Beakers and other stuff (mass produced in China at a pittance) might have been a better line. And if described as 'Fair Trade' Beakers, would be an obligatory buy for all of your followers and Christians alike.
Even better, if you could gain endorsement for them from the Coopertative Society, you would open up a much wider market for those ethical secularists, who think green.
Of course, I would anticipate a percentage for being your business advisor. Perhaps this could be discussed off line on facebook.
UKViewer - I have always made it clear that I receive only reasonable expenses for the role I perform here. In a spirit of openness I would happily publish these online, but unfortunately they were stored in the doily shed which took a direct hit from Young Keith's Roman candle machine on New Year's Day.
ReplyDeleteThere is already available, at the Beaker Shop, a range of genuine Beaker beakers, pebbles and tea lights, while you can purchase our Husborne Doilies at any branches of Mrs Whimsey's Doily Company that we haven't already closed down.
I can also recommend the "World of Woad" at Woburn. However I should stress these are all not-for-profit activities. We are here only to serve.