Job Terms of Reference

Process, Process, Process.  The curse of the modern world.  And now, much as I try to avoid it, it's even invaded here.

At the last Moot I was asked to organise Terms of Reference for the different roles within the Beaker Folk community.  Goodness knows I tried to avoid doing it.  Writing these things down means fossilising them, setting them in stone - moving from "storming" to "norming".  Sure, it takes away my ability to make arbitrary decisions about who does what - but it also puts barriers in the way of anyone else who just wants to get up and make a difference.  Put TORs, as Burton insists on calling them, in place and suddenly they've got to fill in a form, get accreditation, pass a criminal records check and do a three-week course before they can breathe.  Although the 3-week "Breathing" course - see below - is, the Trainers assure me, massively popular.
Anyway, here we go.

Archdruid (Eileen)
The Archdruid's role is to set the standards, lead worship, define best practice in lighting tea lights, and generally carry the can.  Whenever anything goes wrong, it will because I lack vision and want to leave things as they are.  Unless I have done something ground-breaking and radical, in which case the problem will be that I can't let things lie.  I will fail to read the minute body-language and verbal signals by which the Beaker Folk around me will indicate that they are depressed, in need of support, in need of a job, about to go over the wall to the Guinea Pig Folk at Stewartby or feeling like their gifts are over- or under-used.  If my sermons are twelve minutes long they will be boring, but if they are eleven and a half minutes long they will lack substance.  I will not be the kind of strong leader that people want, because what people generally want are strong leaders that agree with them.
Additionally, I will be over-worked, unappreciated and lacking in support.  Nobody will care how I'm feeling, since they're all just there to suck the creative and caring juices from my spirit leaving me a dry husk.  My sermons will be intellectual, humorous and spiritual.  Unfortunately my hearers will be unable to relate on all three levels.  That won't be my fault - it will be theirs.

Executive Arch-Assistant Archdruid (Hnaef)
The EA-AA's  role is to maintain discipline and order in Community life.  He will organise pointless sub-committees that nobody asked for.  These sub-committees will in turn draw up TORs for themselves, arguing for months over the minutiae of the difference between a "vision" and a "mission".  By the time they have worked out what they are for, the things they are for will no longer be relevant.
Hnaef will ruthlessly and brutally stamp out any kind of intolerance in the Community, wherever it is found.

Deputy Arch-Assistant Druid (Drayton Parslow)
It is important that we have a prophetic voice in the Community.  Somebody who can stand within the leadership structures, and yet not dependent upon them.  The DA-AD's role is to provide that prophetic role. Therefore he will criticise the Archdruid at all times, especially when not in her presence, and do his best to undermine her.  His role will be to determine the Archdruid's shortcomings, publicise them to the Community and generally run her down.  The DA-AD's prophetic role will mean that he personally regards himself as above suspicion and immune to criticism.  His role is to stab the Archdruid in the back, and he regards it as a divine duty.

Flower Arrangers*
I have to confess, I've never worked out where the Flower Arrangers came from.  One day we had none.  And no real desire for any.  The next, any free surface in any worship "space" was covered in flowers.
The Flower Arrangers' job is to put flowers onto any surface that is available, and then if they are moved to put unimportant objects in their place - for example, pulpits, worship focusses, OHPs or seating - to take eternal umbrage.
They will spend dozens of hours a week on the job, and then no matter how often they are thanked will be hurt that they're never given any consideration.
At times of fasting and abstinence, the Flower Arrangers will at first be confused by the information "no flowers".  They will then set to work anyway, providing little arrangements of twigs and dead flowers "in keeping with the season".

Worship Group
The Worship Group has a special spiritual awareness of the musical needs of the Community.  Their job is to choose the songs for each act of worship with no regard for the wishes of the Archdruid, of the season or of modern (or indeed any) taste in music.   They will play each song the number of times they decide, regardless of any gestures, hand signals or even threats of violence from the Archdruid.  If they have a choice between playing in a hard key, or making it impossible for the Community to sing a song, they will invariably choose the latter.  This is because they know that suffering is good for the soul.  Especially other people's suffering.
If they play well it will be because they are talented and inspired.  If they play badly it will be because of the poor level of spirituality of the congregation. Since the instruments consist of a tuba, a bodhran and an out-of-tune Spanish guitar,  it will tend to be "badly".

Training Group
The role of the Trainers is constantly to think up new courses they could run.  Ideally these courses will flow naturally on from each other, so that "Getting to know God" will be followed by "Getting to know a bit more about God", followed by "Getting to know quite a lot about God", all the way up to "Getting to know more about God than God knows".  They will run courses at weekends, on a weekly basis in the evenings, at lunchtimes and - for those with jobs - they will run the really useful ones at 3pm on weekday afternoons.  Whichever courses they run, they will always get the same seven people coming along.  The seven with time on their hands.

Morality Watch Group
The job of this group, in a spirit of charity and mutual well-being, is to look out for dodgy stuff and then report it to the Archdruid so I can clamp down.  When, in a liberal spirit, I decide I can't see what the fuss is about or it's none of my business, they will complain that I am going to bring judgement down on the Community.  When the chapel disappears into a black hole, they will claim it is all my fault.**

Treasurer (Burton Dasset)
The Treasurer's role is to produce detailed reams of statistics each month explaining why the members of the Community aren't donating enough money.  He will either possess a Masters' in Excel, enabling him to provide pivot charts that we don't understand, or else be completely ignorant of the principles of double-entry accountancy, and indeed arithmetic.  He will repeatedly request that he be allowed to introduce accruals into the accounting, as he thinks we won't comprehend what he's on about.  He's right.  Wittering on endlessly about his collection of beer-mats isn't part of the job.  It's just part of his personality.

World Evangelisation Committee
Responsible for organising jumble sales.


Rota Arranger
Responsible for organising the rota of which jobs people are doing for each worship Occasion.  Tasked with ensuring that nobody has more than one thing to do at a time, that nobody does the same job twice in succession, that nobody does anything they don't like to do, that people only ever get to work with their friends and that everybody has a fair crack of the whip.   Tenure of the Rota Arranger is on a six-month basis.  They have to be replaced that frequently due to exhaustion.

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* This job description is for satirical purposes only.  No flower arrangers are really like this, or at least not the one I've ever met.  And I've not said this just because I'd be in fear of my life.  Although of course I am.
** OK, technically it was my fault.  But it was because I'd gone for one too many special effects in an act of worship, not because I'd ignored Young Keith pulling a barmaid in Milton Keynes).  Although, of course, I had ignored him doing that.  Wouldn't like to be thought of as judgemental... 
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