Rules for Cyclists

It's not often these days a Methodist minister causes a national storm. After all, they've adopted to a world of female ministers without the formation of any new groups or parallel jurisdictions. They're generally quiet and ill-inclined to anathemas. But Dave Warnock has caused a major upset with his views on cycling in dorky trousers or Lycra.

It strikes me that Beaker people have much in common with cyclists. Not least because of our common use of hi-vis. And so it was a joy today to declare an official Ceremony of Disparagement of the following:

• Lycra
• People who park across bike lanes
• People who drive in bus lanes
• Dorky padded trousers
• Drivers who overtake when there are Keep Left signs
• Drivers who overtake and then turn sharp left in front of you
• The inventor of the road sign "Cyclists dismount"
• Drivers who "squeeze up" when another car is coming the other way - getting closer to the cyclists because they're less likely to dent the bodywork when there's a collision
• Cyclists who jump red lights - even if they think "it's OK when you're turning left"
• People who put in 10 yard long cycle paths
• Town planners who put in "traffic calming" solutions that use cyclists as the hapless "calmees" when the roads are abruptly narrowed

Our Bonfire of Lycra was a marvellous sight. Although I have to apologise to the neighbouring three counties for the toxic fumes we billowed across the countryside. We really have to get rid of Lycra. Or at least find some way of banning it on "serious" cyclists over 11 stone in weight.

Personally I look forward to the day when, through appropriate speed limits and traffic calming solutions, heavy taxation and an integrated and well-planned cycling policy on the railways, we have driven all the Pandas, Focuses (or is it Foci? I always wonder), Seats and Suzukis into redundancy. When happy, smiling children can cycle to school, and scruffy balding middle-managers ride to work, happy in the knowledge that they will get there in one place, without seeing some wally in a beaten-up Alfa Sud coming towards them down the middle of the road.

Then the streets will be clear of unnecessary cars. They will be wide, clear and uninterrupted. 

And, finally, I might be able to get my Beamer X3 round the streets of Woburn Sands and Bletchley without a load of peasants in their cheap cars getting in the way.

Well, I can dream.