End Times - this time with evidence

I know that, of late, some people have been linking:
a) the falling of objects (however man-made) from the sky
b) the (possible) problems with cause and effect that might arise from muon neutrinos' (experimentally unconfirmed) ability to break the speed of light;
with the End Times.

This, let me assure you, is bad science, sad theology and mad conjecture.

However, news has reached me that Fernando Torres scored a goal in a Premiership match over the weekend, so it's official. We're doomed. The End is Nigh. Run for the Hills.