Saturday, 25 May 2019

If the Conservative Party Leadership Candidates Belonged to your Church

Don't you find it disturbing when the papers or the BBC have those pictures of the candidates for the Tory leadership race and you assume another bunch have been put in the dock for the Hatton Garden case?

(Taken from iNews)

They say the Conservative Party is a broad church. And more so these days, as the party's members apparently think nothing of voting for other parties. But if the Conservative Party leadership candidates were people associated with your local church - which stereotypes would they be?

Matt Hancock

The "young" curate who gets put in charge of all children's activities, even though he's in his 40s. Wants to be the vicar one day. But nobody can quite see it.

Jeremy Hunt

Trained as the Church first aider, but had to be re-assigned after treating a broken arm with homeopathy. Opposed the introduction of a Parish Nurse on the grounds that illness was God's way of telling old people to leave a legacy. Has now joined the Diocesan Synod, but caused upset by comparing the bishop to Torquemada.

Boris Johnson

The cycling vicar who's always preaching muscular Christianity. Then gets a charge under the Clergy Discipline Measure after his secret mistress finds out he's been two-timing her.

Esther McVey

Runs the Foodbank. Has claimed that it's such a massive success, we need to ensure there are more poor people.

Rory Stewart

Harassed Director of Music. Sometimes gets mistakenly sent off to Sunday School.

Sir Graham Brady

In the great "pews versus chairs" debate, proposed pews on wheels so they and chairs could be used on alternative weeks. Loyal to the vicar unless any decisions have to be made.

Michael Gove

Creeps up to you when you're having a quiet pray and says, "I've been watching you. And I don't think God would approve." Sponsored the King James Bibles that are currently mouldering in the vestry cupboard. Has his name in every one.

Sajid Javid

Lay Preacher whose Dad used to drive the local bus. As he mentions in every sermon.

Andrea Leadsom

Mothers' Union member who's never understood why people who aren't mothers are allowed to join.

Penny Mordaunt

A firm believer in the New Testament Church. Advocates withdrawing from the diocese in protest at the Parish Share. Hasn't realised that the Share is less than the cost of the vicar.

Priti Patel

"Churches Together" rep who got the sack after organising an ecumenical service with the Methodists without telling the vicar.

Dominic Raab

Scout leader involved in that incident at camp where the Mountain Rescue had to be called out. In Lincolnshire.

Liz Truss

Sunday school teacher whose theology is repeatedly torn apart by the smarter eight-year-olds.

Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

1 comment :

Drop a thoughtful pebble in the comments bowl