Tuesday, 21 July 2020

How to Stop Your Glasses Steaming Up While Wearing a Mask

Obviously, as a leading spiritual leader, in a leadership role, people often come to me for leadership.

And one area where they've been asking for leadership is in how to stop their glasses steaming up when wearing a mask.

I've no idea why they ask me. I have perfect distance vision, so I never wear glasses when out and about. I am long-sighted. Which is, to be honest, a bit of a pain if I'm needing to check packaging for ingredients or "do not use this on gerbils" type warnings. But on the other hand, you can't go fishing glasses out of the Archdruidical Handbag every thirty seconds to read packaging. And you can't wander around shops wearing reading glasses without crashing into walls and other shoppers. Which is not advised in these days of social distancing. So what I tend to do is  just buy the stuff anyway, go home and use it on the gerbils anyway.

But obviously I can still apply the traditions of folklore and a bit of faith and quantum mechanics to the problem. So here we go.

  1. Wash the lenses of your glasses by the dew of morning, the day after the first full moon in August.
  2. If you rub your specs on the back of a badger, the resultant static repulsive force can repel moisture for up to 13 minutes. So remember to take a badger shopping with you. Ideally a tame one. 
  3. Don't wear your glasses. Just walk around squinting. This has the advantage of encouraging people to socially distance.
  4. Get special demisting lenses, on the principle of car windscreens, powered by hearing aid batteries in your ears.
  5. Always walk around shops backwards. It takes your mind off your steamed-up glasses.
  6. Say the ancient Beaker Glasses-clearing Spell. But be careful. It's only one consonant out from the ancient Beaker Death-Dealing Demon Summoning Spell. We've lost a lot of good, if short-sighted, Beaker Folk that way.
  7. Wear a mask that covers your glasses as well. Then you won't notice if they steam up.
  8. Get a tattoo that makes it look like you're wearing a mask. Then you won't get hassled to wear one. 
  9. Get a mask that looks like a half-face tattoo. Then everyone will leave the shop and it won't matter if you walk into things because your glasses are steamed up.
  10. Tiny little windscreen wipers on the lenses. A staple joke of 1970s comics whose time has finally come.
  11. Just wipe the steam off them occasionally. But remember to scream "I'm touching my face now! Everybody sanitise!"
  12. Get someone else to do the shopping. Let their glasses steam up instead.
Personally, I suggest the last one. Speaking of which, if anyone is going shopping, can they pick me up a couple of gerbils from Petsmart? I'm afraid there's some sad news about Val and Brenda.

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  1. I think that the Unmaskers must be a bit sick since trump nearly came out in favour of face masks. They must be spitting through their unmasked teeth.

  2. Good sound advice Archdruid - as usual.
    Heaven help the gerbils.


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