Monday 20 July 2020

The Dead Cat Prophecies

We've already had Boris Johnson sharing pictures of his baby. The convenient announcement that Jeremy Corbyn's revelation of a post-Brexit NHS sell-off was arranged by the Russians. And Dominic Cummings wearing a stupid hat. But what could possibly be announced tomorrow to try and get the Russia Report's publication off the front page of the Internet?

We've put our best brains onto it. And let's face it, even Burton Dasset's brain is about as good as Dominic Cummings'. And here's tomorrow's news, as we're sure will happen.

  1. Boris Johnson's wedding date announced.
  2. Mark Francois to be the new James Bond.
  3. Priti Patel announces a crackdown on immigration. 
  4. Tap-dancing horse closes down West End. 
  5. Jacob Rees-Mogg seen in Fortnums wearing a tweed facemask.
  6. First UK Freeport declared to be The Brunel Centre, Bletchley.
  7. War declared on the Faroes.
  8. Boris Johnson "accidentally" seen nude on Zoom.
  9. Chris Grayling walking to work with one brown and one black shoe on.*
  10. Dominic Cummings "accidentally" drives over Humphrey the No 10 Cat.
  11. British to land a piloted space ship on Jupiter.
  12. Graham Brady officially declared Britain's Most Useless Man. For the fourth year running.
  13. Hedgehogs blamed for Covid, and a cull announced.
  14. Dominic Raab announces that he has attained enlightenment, and is now a Visionary of the Temple of Dionysus.
  15. The Sun claims that an army of badgers are tunnelling under Buckingham Palace.
  16. Rancid cheese runs amok in the village of Stilton.
Or maybe the Russia Report just won't be as interesting as people expect?

*same as every day, but you know... 

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  1. A very good list - you will be giving them ideas ;-)

    To be fair, the asterisk could have applied to No 3, too!

  2. Humphrey? Would even Dom Cummings go to the trouble of digging up a 14-years-deceased cat in order to accidentally run it over?

  3. Cromwell's head is now buried under the floor of the chapel of Sidney Sussex College. I have heard there was a fellow of that college who would creep into the chapel at night and jump up and down on the flagstone under which he believed the head was buried.


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