If the Conservative Party Leadership Candidates Belonged to your Church

Don't you find it disturbing when the papers or the BBC have those pictures of the candidates for the Tory leadership race and you assume another bunch have been put in the dock for the Hatton Garden case?

(Taken from iNews)

They say the Conservative Party is a broad church. And more so these days, as the party's members apparently think nothing of voting for other parties. But if the Conservative Party leadership candidates were people associated with your local church - which stereotypes would they be?

Matt Hancock

The "young" curate who gets put in charge of all children's activities, even though he's in his 40s. Wants to be the vicar one day. But nobody can quite see it.

Jeremy Hunt

Trained as the Church first aider, but had to be re-assigned after treating a broken arm with homeopathy. Opposed the introduction of a Parish Nurse on the grounds that illness was God's way of telling old people to leave a legacy. Has now joined the Diocesan Synod, but caused upset by comparing the bishop to Torquemada.

Boris Johnson

The cycling vicar who's always preaching muscular Christianity. Then gets a charge under the Clergy Discipline Measure after his secret mistress finds out he's been two-timing her.

Esther McVey

Runs the Foodbank. Has claimed that it's such a massive success, we need to ensure there are more poor people.

Rory Stewart

Harassed Director of Music. Sometimes gets mistakenly sent off to Sunday School.

Sir Graham Brady

In the great "pews versus chairs" debate, proposed pews on wheels so they and chairs could be used on alternative weeks. Loyal to the vicar unless any decisions have to be made.

Michael Gove

Creeps up to you when you're having a quiet pray and says, "I've been watching you. And I don't think God would approve." Sponsored the King James Bibles that are currently mouldering in the vestry cupboard. Has his name in every one.

Sajid Javid

Lay Preacher whose Dad used to drive the local bus. As he mentions in every sermon.

Andrea Leadsom

Mothers' Union member who's never understood why people who aren't mothers are allowed to join.

Penny Mordaunt

A firm believer in the New Testament Church. Advocates withdrawing from the diocese in protest at the Parish Share. Hasn't realised that the Share is less than the cost of the vicar.

Priti Patel

"Churches Together" rep who got the sack after organising an ecumenical service with the Methodists without telling the vicar.

Dominic Raab

Scout leader involved in that incident at camp where the Mountain Rescue had to be called out. In Lincolnshire.

Liz Truss

Sunday school teacher whose theology is repeatedly torn apart by the smarter eight-year-olds.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

21st Century Man

Just listened to the Electric Light Orchestra's album, "Time", for the first time since, frankly, it was released. Sadly I will always think of "Time" as the album that proved "Discovery" wasn't an aberration, but rather a logical step on the way down from the perfection of "A New World Record" to - let's just say it - "Xanadu".

"Time" is a Sci-Fi concept album. Due to circumstances I don't really understand, a bloke has been fast-forwarded in time from 1981 to 2095. Various vaguely-described adventures, and a fair amount of temporal whinging later, he fails to get back (I think) for other, equally poorly-described, reasons, and decides to hold on tight to his dreams.

We're about a third of the way to 2095 now. So how's Jeff Lynn's prophecy going?

Well, we still don't have a Satellite 2. We don't suffer from the risks of a meteor storm when we go for a walk. And we're still technically incapable of leaving our lives behind in a plastic bag.

But the sex robots are already just about available. (Don't worry - safe link to the BBC).

If you want to predict the future of technology, ask what lonely men will want next.

Theresa May

In case you've spent the last 12 hours in a capsule below the North Atlantic, you'll be aware that Theresa May has resigned as Prime Minister.

I probably ought to reflect upon her commitment to public service, her dedication to the role and her deep and abiding love of the country.

But I won't. She ignored the 48% of the voters three years ago who voted "Remain", in her attempt to persuade herself she was doing the mythical Will of the People. A spirit more elusive than the Will of the Wisp, as Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage have twisted that Will to more and more self-destructive extremes. Like two dribbling schoolboys competing to give themselves the worst Chinese burns. Those who think Brexit is maybe a bit of a bad idea may as well not have been inhabitants of this country.

She made no attempt to work with most other parties, even when her own stupid actions in calling an election came home to roost. Although she chose to team up with the most inflexible head-bangers in the history of history - the only party that campaigned for "Leave" in the Remain-supporting province of Northern Ireland. She appointed - in Boris Johnson - the most ineffective and actually utterly dangerous man as Foreign Secretary she could have done.

When her deal - which may be the best anybody could have got - got rejected, she could have tried something different. But she adopted Graham Brady's stupid "other arrangements" amendment - even though it could never have achieved anything - and then kept bringing the stupid thing back - to Brussels then to Westminster - while nothing changed. She constantly complained about other people's inflexibility while changing nothing herself.

When her authority was ebbing away, she appealed to the people over the heads of the party whose loyalty she needed. And yet she only appealed to the rump of the 52% - those keepers of the sacred Will of the People. The rest of us could, frankly, get stuffed.

And when Amber Rudd carried the can for the Windrush scandal, let's not forget, it was the result of the hostile environment which guess who had introduced. Yep. The same former Home Secretary who decided that what the Will of the People was actually demanding was that the people of Britain should no longer be able to travel freely in Europe. Although she sold it as stopping all those nasty foreigners coming over here, obviously.

So she leaves a country that is poorer than it should have been. More divided than it should be. Facing over a cliff edge to which she has led us. Where the Union that forms a part of her own party's name has been imperilled by her own actions. And her beloved Tory Party will now spent a couple of months of utter self-indulgence, as the cliff edge gets closer, as its members try to decide who has the most virile young blood with which it can rejuvenate itself. That the chosen one is likely to be Boris Johnson tells you all you need to know about them.

Now, I've been a floating voter all my life. I've voted for the Labour party when I thought it was the better choice, and the Tory party when I thought Labour was getting too control-freaky and business should be left to crack on and make money. We're left in the position where business has been battered by the party that is supposed to enable it to thrive. In the simplest way of putting it, they are no longer a conservative party. They are the party of destroyers and simpletons. Just to see Graham Brady at work is to see the proof that inability is no obstacle to anybody given enough entitlement and self-confidence.They are wrecking our country's relationships with its nearest and best friends. And with it destroying the chances of an international UK. We know what Boris Johnson thinks about business, and it's roughly his view on a lot of things in life.

And if Theresa May reflects at all on the last three years, I hope she will realise that the reason she failed was because where a politician needs compromise, vision, an ability to take people along with her and yet also to be in touch with the real world - she fell short in all of them. And in a world where you can only achieve achievable things, she tried to deliver a unicorn that was also a Ford Fiesta. A unicorn that was really a donkey sprayed white by Boris Johnson, and a clocked Ford Fiesta she bought from Nigel Farage because he told her it had one careful owner.

And the worst of it is, I suspect she was the best candidate for Prime Minister that the Tory party had, or probably still has. I pray that Theresa May has a restful retirement. But I pray we will somehow avoid or at least mitigate some of the damage she has done.  And though I might vote Labour again one day where St Jeremy has retired full time to his allotment, I will never, ever forgive the Conservative Party. It deserves oblivion. Let something better rise in its place. And I don't mean the Brexit party.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

No Sex, no Drugs, no King of Rock n Roll

I'd like to pass on Zybil's apologies for what turned out to be a fairly poor attempt at a meditation session, 1988-style, earlier.

I mean, it's been an overcast day and it's just plain gray and wet now. So it was right we tried to lighten the state. And we wanted to get people into a better mood. Everyone was as limp as the weather.

But the aim was, through the repetition of a phrase, to loosen oneself from one's earthly cares and enter into the rhythm of the universe. And I'll be honest, if you're going to do that, the one phrase that probably isn't going to work is "Hot Dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque".

Apart from Hnaef, that is. I wandered past five minutes ago and he appears to have reached the spiritually enlightened phase that is known in this particular method as "Senior Sprout".

The Rainbow Sandwich

Cherry picking in the extreme (maybe even cherry tomato-picking) from the "Christian Institute" as they comment on Marks & Spencer's inclusive sandwich, the Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato. There's a lovely picture of it here at the Independent.

The Institute tells us that "critics, including some LGBT supporters" say the sandwich has missed the mark.

Now there may be some valid, reasoned criticism. Including from LGBT supporters. The Independent link above actually tries. But the complaints actually cited are from Piers Morgan, who normally prefers gammon with a chip, and "one Twitter user".

Just the one, apparently. Out of Twitter's millions. The Daily Mail* further tells us that the sandwich has been criticised by Piers Morgan on Twitter. Which suggests that the Christian Institute's Venn Diagram of people who complain about the sandwich - "Piers Morgan" and " one Twitter user" is actually even less complicated (and less numerous) than the Christian Institute would lead you to believe.

I guess what I ask myself is this. If you're making an inclusive sandwich, do you think one containing guacamole is going to make much traction outside the M25?

And if you're really being really inclusive, would you put bacon in it?

* The link's here but you probably don't want to use it.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

The Hot Not so Fuzzies

Hot on the heels of the news that children were left distraught after a horror film was played instead of "Detective Pikachu".

I have to apologise that people attending today's advertised service, "A Festival of Tea Lights, Warm Fuzzies and Nice Thoughts", were accidentally subjected to the  BCP Commination Service, followed by a member of the Dutch Quivering Brethren screaming at them in Frisian for 40 minutes that they were all going to Hell.

Truly there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. And a certain amount of changing of trousers.

Theresa May's Grasp on Football

Others have no doubt said this more eloquently than I will, but I don't care.

Theresa May has referred to Liverpool's amazing victory over Barcelona yesterday as if it is her inspiration for "beating" Europe against all the odds.

There's a few problems with her analogy.

Liverpool's goals were scored by a Belgian and a Netherlander. The rock at the middle of the defence is another man from the Netherlands. Energy, commitment and leadership came from two Englishmen.

This pan-European mixture gives space and inspiration- and the opportunity to succeed - to two brilliant young British full backs.

The team is managed by a German who loves the English way of playing football.

And after 90 minutes of blood, sweat, skill and gut-wrenching excitement what is the prize?

We're still in Europe. Which is appropriate. Because you could say this is the model of what Europe is all about. Combining the talents of many nations so, together, we're all stronger. And we excel on the international stage.

So yes, please Mrs May. Be inspired by Liverpool.

Sydney Carter Free Zone

In the light of this evening's "Pointless Celebrities", in which the "Crappy Folk Song Masquerading as a Hymn Which is Actually a Syncretic Abomination" (aka Lord of the Dance) was mentioned, a reminder.

The Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley has been a Sydney Carter Free Zone since 2011.  Anyone even humming "When I needed a neighbour" is still subject to a consignment to the Doily Mines of a time of at least, but not limited to, forever.

It's got so, when couples come requesting a handfasting ceremony (available to people of all sexual orientation and nuns) or thanksgiving for a child / pet / new set of Tefal, I always hold it in the Orchard, conveniently situated for those water cannons I bought from Sadiq Khan. There's nothing like a high-pressure hosing down to bring them back, spluttering, to agree to something else less troubling and more theologically orthodox, such as "If I were a Butterfly".

There is, I have to say, one MP3 of "Lord of the Dance" on the Beaker central server. In the event of a serious outbreak of public disturbance or other catastrophe caused by nuclear war, meteor strike or Brexit, we will put it on full volume on the full Radio Beaker network. At least it will take our minds off our other woes.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Pushing on to a Clearer Future

So it's fair to say that I'm disappointed by the response to our Week of May Festivities, "7 Days of Tea Lights and Pebbles". Three days in, and so far only one person has attended. Despite me being clear that I've always been clear that, if you're going to worship around Maytime, you need to do it in a Beaker way. That's always been clear.

Meanwhile Drayton Parslow has held a rival event at his Funambulist Baptist chapel - "A Thousand People for Joyless Godliness". Three days in, and so far only one person has attended.

Across the meadow, the Fertility Beaker Folk have been holding their "Get Down and Dirty for the Earth" festival. Three days they've been at it - I use this expression guardedly - and I can still hear "Big Yellow Taxi" belting across the meads. Meanwhile old Revd Chaine-Lynke's "Liberal Theology Revival" has been a surprising success in the Reading Room. 25 people every day, all arguing over "The Myth of God Incarnate". I don't know why they're arguing. It's been clear for 40 years that it's drivel. That is surely clear.

Anyhow, I met Drayton Parslow while walking "Bone-crusher", the Community Hound. And, after I'd retrieved Drayton's leg from Boney's jaws, we had a chat about our respective festivals.

And we've come to the conclusion that what the total unpopularity of our tea lights, pebbles and fundie misery has made clear, is that we must push on with tea lights, pebbles and fundie misery.

So we've extended the festivals for another week. Eventually if we keep on doing them, everyone is sure to come round to it. On that much, I've always been clear.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Labour Supporting a Brexit Referendum: The Conditions Under Which It Will Happen

1. Hell freezing over
2. The first porcine airport opened 
3. A blue moon
4. When worlds collide
5. Nigel Farage genuinely being a common man
6. An atmosphere at the Emirates
7. Unicorns over the White Cliffs of Dover 
8. A month consisting entirely of Sundays
9. The 12th of never
10. England forgetting the War
11. Boris Johnson staying home at nights
12. A hen flossing
13. Ricky Gervais being over-modest
14. A Jose Mourinho football team playing 'scintillating' football
15. A better leader

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

The First Brexiter

The Express has this fun little article about the finding of a coin issued by Allectus. According to them, he was the first Brexiter - a Roman Emperor who took Britain out of the Roman Empire.

Now it's always been a mystery to me why anyone would believe anything the Express says about anything. Its constant  predictions of the "Coldest Winter Ever" and killer heatwaves, nearly always followed by mild, calm weather, makes one wonder if they ever get anything right. I mean, the constant flow of new "revelations" about Lady Di have got to make you wonder if the editorial team live in a fantasy land. So, naturally, I checked.

Just wiki, but I reckon the ingredients on a cereal packet generally have more historical and political use than the Express's constant promises of sunny uplands after Brexit. So let's see.

Allectus didn't take Britain out of the Roman Empire. His boss, Carausius, did that. Allectus was his treasurer.

After killing  Carausius, Allectus spent three years trying to run Britain, during which time he lost his territories in Gaul. When the Empire invaded, he ran away but, after being cornered, he died in battle. He had  stripped off his "imperial" insignia  so he could  not be  identified.

Wiki notes that:

"Carausius had deliberately used his coinage for propaganda purposes"

Which might remind us of the promise to produce a new Brexit 50p piece, to ram down the throats of now more than half the population that "you lost, snowflake".

So a backstabbing Little Englander who used the currency for propaganda. Who made constant backward steps. Who never achieved his objective. Who couldn't deliver his promises of freedom.  And who tried to ensure that, when it all ended up in failure for his followers, he couldn't be identified with the disaster.

Yep. Fair do's.  The first Brexiter.

Well done, Express. You  got one right.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.