Saturday, 3 March 2012

Going, Dutch

The Dutch are introducing a new, mobile euthanasia service. We look 20 years into the future.

Mr Van Allen?

Hi, I'm Jan from Terminal Horizons. You ordered euthanasia?

Yes, you do seem a little down.  What's the problem? Oh, a terminal disease can have that effect. The pain, the waiting around.

And it's good you ordered us yourself. Mr Frenken last week - his family booked us as a surprise for his 80th. Took a bit of persuasion. When they said he was going to a "better place" he thought they meant a week at Center Parcs.

Nice photo. Your grand-kids? Little Anna does look sweet.

Right, better crack on. I've got three tonight, and you're the first. Amazing to think, with our liberal democracy, tolerance and cycle lanes, that anyone would ever want to make an early exit.

Finish watching the match? It's only just past half-time. And isn't this the second-leg? Come on, Mr Van Allen. It could go to extra time and penalties. I've not got all day. Frankly, if you wanted to pick your time slot you should have gone for our drive-through option. Well, drive in, obviously. And with the all-in-one service you needn't even bother hiring a hearse later.

Look, it's not all about you. I've to more visits this evening. Put you back, I put them all back. And you wouldn't want to head off into oblivion knowing you've kept two other people alive unnecessarily, would you? Not to mention it's going to be a late night now for me.

Changed your mind? Oh, you'd not want to do that. We've got the double loyalty points scheme at the moment. Not, obviously, that they're going to be much use where you"re going. Or, rather, not going. But if nothing else, think of all the paperwork I'd get involved in. Thanks to our integrated system, your death certificate was emailed out the minute the GPS identified I'd reached your house.

Look, Mr Van Allen. I've got.a job to do. I do home euthanasia, not counselling. I get paid by outcomes. And you sitting there, resolutely alive, knowing whether Ajax are through to the next round or not  is not defined as an outcome in my contract. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to explain to you that according to the small print, I am entitled to carry out precisely the procedure I'm about to perform.

It's been nice meeting you, Mr Van Allen. You were obviously a very nice man, if a little indecisive. Oh. Gone. Cool.

Rats - forgot to get a signature. Oh well, I'll do it for him  - it won't make any difference now.

Right, two calls in Utrecht and then off to the pizza shop. I really must keep my mind on which job I'm doing - nearly asked if Mr Van Allen ordered pineapple there. And poor Mrs Meertens. Now that was a slip-up. She only called up for a Four Seasons and side-order of wings.


  1. I think the Syrian army have a version of this except you don't need to be terminally ill to receive it...

  2. It would be funny if I wasn't a Senior Citizen.


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