Pasty Tax - Government Advice on Surviving the Emergency

So pensioners are having reduced income tax allowances, while one-income families are losing a benefit that is available to two-income families with nearly twice the amount coming in. But there's only one Budget change that the nation is interested in - VAT is being levied on hot Cornish pasties.

To assist Beaker Folk during this pasty emergency, I've downloaded the following information from the Government website. I hope it helps.

Q How likely is it that VAT will be applied on pasties?
A Very likely indeed. Or, if somebody from the pasty industry wants to stand the right person dinner (I'll say no more) - not very likely at all. We'll find something else to put VAT on. Gay marriages, or frozen oven chips. Although not, obviously, venison.

Q What should we do if VAT is applied to pasties?
A There is absolutely no reason to panic. George Osborne has recommended that if you get your personal shopper to buy the raw ingredients, and your chef to cook the pasty for you, it will be totally free of VAT. Of course, if you did want to splash out a bit and glug a drop of the old cooking vino in there, then that will attract VAT. But on the bright side, once we introduce the new minimum alcohol pricing, you won't need to restrict yourself to cooking wine. You may as well buy a nice merlot, for all the difference in price makes.


Q Should I stockpile pasties?
A No. They'll only go cold and then you'll be able to reclaim the VAT. And whatever you do, don't keep them in jerry cans in the garage. They could go off.

Q What about panic buying?
A The public should resist the urge to panic-buy pasties. We don't want another stampede in Greggs.

Q Well, what should we do?
A Government advice is that consumers should keep topping-up on pasties in case the VAT goes up. If you're passing a pasty outlet and you're feeling less than three-quarters full, have another pasty. In this way you'll be kept full of pasties without causing chaos at pasty stands on railway stations. We strongly advise you don't allow yourself to become empty, and then eat four pasties at once.

Q What does David Cameron say about all this?
A "You know, the other day I met a man who was eating a pasty, and he said to me, 'Dave - why are you adding 20% to the cost of my lunch?' And I told him 'Made-up Pasty-eating Bloke, we don't want to do this. But it's been caused by the hole in the pie-dish caused by the last Government. Ed Balls ate all the pies, and we have to clear up the mess. Which is mostly broken bits of old pastry.'"


Q What are the odds the Government is deliberately playing this and the tanker strike up, to obscure the profound unfairness of the budget?
A What? Don't know what you mean. Move along. Nothing to see here.