Ask Auntie Eileen

Occasionally the Beaker post-bag fills up with the anxieties of our readers from around the country. So it's good now and then to expose these losers to the derision of the world for your enjoyment - and maybe even solve their problems while I'm at it.

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Dear Auntie Eileen,
Since becoming a Christian I have had a busy church life. Sundays there's Communion and Evensong; Monday is Church Council, Circuit Stewards' Meeting or Churches Together. Tuesday it's Housegroup, Wednesday is Music Group. On Thursday there's a Bible Study. Friday is Ladies' Bright Hour and Saturday I help out at the Coffee Morning.  But something worrying seems to be happening to my mind. When I came home yesterday I could hear voices in my head, and had a vision of an angry man sitting in the living room. Am I hallucinating, or am I just tired out from all my church activities? Chantelle

Dear Chantelle
I think what's happened here is that the man that you've seen on your couch is what we experts call "your husband", while the voices in your head are actually something we call "your children", upstairs in their bedrooms. If you get home a bit earlier, you may find that there are small people running around the front room - these are what we call the bodily manifestation of the voices you've been hearing.  You should either stop doing so many church activities, or else not bother going home at all. This halfway house isn't doing you any good, is it?  Eileen

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Dear Auntie Eileen,
I am wondering if you can help me. Every time I attend a service, we sing "I, the Lord of Sea and Sky." It's been eighteen months now, and I'm not sure I can take any more. I have spoken to the music group, and explained that it's making me hate coming to services - and yet it just carries on all the time - every single service. Without fail. I'm losing the ability to go on. Can you give me some advice?  "Angie"

Dear Angie,
From what you describe, I'm going to hazard a guess that you're three-quarters of the way through theological training. Can you steal yourself for just six more months? At the end of that time, you'll just have to sing it once more, and then you can put it behind you forever. Or, at least, until your priesting (assuming you're Anglican - I can't imagine you're Catholic, after all). Or until your church has a Reader / Local Preacher / Pastoral Assistant / Missionary / Tea-maker due for licensing. Eileen

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Dear Auntie Eileen
Tea lights or pebbles? "Sammy"

Dear Sammy


I always think this question is not so much about "either/or", as it is "both/and". But then the question "either/or or both/and?" is itself not so much an either/or question as a both/and one. So it is either tea lights, or pebbles, or both tea lights and pebbles, or tea lights. Or pebbles.  Eileen

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Dear Auntie Eileen


I have a friend who thinks he may be in love with one of the girl singers in his church's music group. Although he's not sure whether it is Kylie or Kayleigh, that he loves best. What advice can you give him?  "Martin"

Dear Drayton


If I were you, I'd consider what will happen to you if Marjory discovers your dark and depraved thoughts. I told you nothing good would come of letting attractive your women occupy places of authority, such as singers, in your chapel. It's disgusting and unnatural. Stop it now.  Eileen

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Dear Auntie Eileen


I know it's natural for some people to be scared of going to church - it's a strange, unfamiliar environment and we do unusual things - such as men singing, shaking hands with strangers, or talking to God. And in particular, my problem is that I'm scared of the Church Wardens. Every time I attend church, there they are - terrifying me. I'm convinced they know all about my darkest sins. They know so much about the Church and everything  and they're watching my every step knowing that I don't know the right time to cross myself, or bow, or even the tunes to so many of the hymns. Everybody else knows all the liturgy off by heart, but I just stand there sometimes opening and closing my mouth in the hope that they will all think I know what I'm doing.  "Charles"


Dear Charles
Pull yourself together, for goodness' sake. What sort of attitude is that for a vicar? Eileen

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Dear Auntie Eileen 
I am the treasure of a small Methodist chapel. The light bulb has gone in the gents' toilet. The stewards reckon we should get a 100W bulb, but I reckon 40W should do just fine. What do you think we should do? Arthur


Dear Arthur
I regret to inform you that, since you last bought a bulb, the old fashioned type that actually produce light has been made illegal. In fact, church life being what it is, it's possible your old bulb is actually an oil lamp and the entire "electric" concept has passed you by. You could just go and buy a modern bulb - what we technically call a UREB or "Useless Rotten Energy-Saving Bulb". But then you'd only be guessing wildly what light you actually got. The boxes these bulbs do give you some advice - mostly by having  a little diagram, showing how much light you'd get if you were able to buy proper bulbs instead of those compact fluorescent monstrosities. But my advice is that you should refer the question to the property committee. That way it could be months until you have to stump up for a bulb.  Eileen

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Dear Auntie Eileen


I write on behalf of a concerned PCC.
At our last meeting, the vicar announced it was her intention to remove the pews from the church. If she'd planned to replace them with chairs we might have been able to live with it. But it turns out she intends to fill the entire nave of the church with plastic balls so we can have a more informal feel to worship. Should we turn to civil disobedience, or just report her to English Heritage?   "Chester"

Dear Chester
I understand your concern. Ball pits are so 2003, aren't they? If your vicar wants to bring the church into the twenty-first century proper, and make the place more relevant to men, then you should chip-board the floor and lay down a decent model railway. Under the pretence of "Messy Church" you could then get the children to build some decent scenery to put round the rails and make a scale model of ..... ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow. Please - Stop.... 


Dear Chester
I apologise for that interference from Burton Dasset, who has just gone off to bathe his head. The vicar's right about removing the pews, but I suggest some nice leatherette bean bags. Easy-clean, warm on those winter mornings, comfy and completely flexible. Eileen.

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Dear Auntie Eileen
I am the chief steward of a Methodist chapel. Out treasurer has just resigned in a right hump. What should we do? Norman

Dear Norman
Oh dear, treasurers eh - can't live with them, can't live with them. If he's a normal treasurer, just give him a few days and you'll probably find he'll un-resign. On the other hand, if it was over something of real principle - like having to buy a new light-bulb - then he'll never come back. I suggest you change the locks on the safe, and get the new light-bulb bought before you get a new treasurer.  Eileen