Your NHS Horoscope

As Tory MP David Tredinnick tells us we should consider Astrology on the NHS. this could be just the sort of thing you find on your ward in the near future.

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 Aries

You will meet a man or woman in a white coat. They will give you advice on your condition. You should listen to them. They're far more helpful to your health than an astrologer. Even a "proper astrologer who does it with a chart and you have to know your exact time you were born." No. Stick to the doctor.

 Taurus

Tauruses are independent, free-thinkers. Some may confuse your stubbornness with being headstrong. Don't follow the herd. Astrology is a failed science based on a mish-mash of old religions. It's no basis for your health care. Some would suggest it's a load of bull.

 Gemini

Castor your eye over the evidence for astrology. It's Pollux, isn't it?

 Cancer

Dropping the jokes, this is why you need to take this seriously. If you've acne or you're feeling a bit tired, feel free to try washing your face in the dew of dawn, whale songs or reflexology. Obviously, feel free to do those anyway. Or even prayer. But if you've a real, serious illness, use real serious drugs as well. (Assuming that's what you're prescribed, obviously).

 Leo

Do you find you spend a lot of time sitting around for hours, wondering what you're doing with your life? Are you wishing you could get out more, read something new, or get away from that snivelling child with the saucepan on her head? You're in A&E, aren't you? May as well settle in for the long run.

 Virgo

Do the days go so fast you can't concentrate? Too tired to concentrate? Not getting the time to get to know people? Making snap judgements and hoping you get them right? Welcome to General Practice.

 Libra

Life is all a matter of balance, isn't it? On the one side there's expensive drugs, the time you need to care for people holistically in the right sense of the word. There's people to listen, skilled surgeons, the attention to know someone needs a drink, or needs assistance to eat. And on the other side of the balance, there's cheap gimmicks like homeopathy and astrology. Who would think hot air would weigh so heavy on the scales? Avoid men with blue ties who like cuts. And I don't mean off-duty surgeons.

 Scorpio

You may be feeling a bit less well off than you were. Wage packet not going as far as it did? Struggling to make ends meet? You're not gonna be able to afford health insurance, are you? Work harder, you oik.

 Sagittarius

At a time of hardship, your family rally around you. Refuse to sign the document they've shoved under nose. It's not an application for a bus pass, whatever they claim.

 Capricorn

Hard-headed, logical, clinical - there's no fooling Capricorns. You look at this kind of rubbish, and see right through it. Just like.... erm...  David Tredinnick, who's a Capricorn.

 Aquarius

You will encounter a man carrying a large pot of inert water. He's a homeopath. You may find these in Jeremy Hunt's NHS.  Apart from being proof of the placebo effect, it's not worth wasting your time with.

 Pisces

With your entrepreneurial nature, it may be time to look into a new business venture. Have you considered tendering for part of the NHS? With a bit of practice you could set up as a surgeon, but it's a bit messy. In the modern world, maybe you could tie a scarf round your head and open up your own fortune-telling booth in Reception. Obviously, you need to be careful. Be too down and you could depress people. Too upbeat and there could be complaints from relatives. Best to stick to reassuring generalities. If you make a diagnosis, you could get sued later.