Traditional Cockney Spirituality

I'd like to thank King Chas and Queen Denise of the Pearly Folk of Bethnal Green for their visit to us today.
Especially at these times of remembrance, the Beaker Folk that descend from the Cockney diaspora look back to their ancestral homeland, from which their families fled when their old manors were destroyed in social improvement schemes, having instead to settle in cul-de-sacs of reasonably-priced 4 bedroomed houses in Hemel Hempstead, Northampton and Milton Keynes.  They remember the good old days, which of course never existed.  And what could be better than that as a basis for Traditional Cockney Spirituality?

Chas and Denise believe that Cockney spirituality is driven by a sense of loss.  Loss of a homeland, loss of a way of life, loss of a sense of community.  They were kind enough to play some of their traditional Cockey worship songs for us, on the traditional London instruments - an out-of-tune joanna and mouth organ.  Such classics as "He brought me to his banqueting table - ave-a-banana"; "Knocked him in the old Norman font;" "There is a Primrose Hill far away" and "My old man said follow the Lord".

By sharing with us their appreciation of the Cockney holy places - the Hackney Marshes, across which the Wild Cockney Sparrers fly, Highgate Cemetery, where North Londoners go to commune with their ancestors, and the curry houses of Brick Lane, Chas and Denise awoke in us a sense of what the Germans would call "Heimweh", the Welsh "Hiraeth" or the Cockneys "Gorblimey".

It was very moving to join in their Cockney liturgy - such lines as "Your father was a wandering costermonger" and "next year in the Holloway Road", simple but profound truths that resound in my head as I write.  And then to share in the traditional, homely Cockney fellowship meal - brown ale, whelks, jellied eels, pie mash and liquor - was frankly disgusting.

But the Cockney Folk have left us with an appreciation of their simple, undemonstrative, homely faith.  And we thank them for it.  And also for their dictionary of Cockney Religious Rhyming Slang, extracts from which I have pleasure in detailing below.

Alison Steadman	Matt Redman
Annoying bleeder	Worship Leader (this one works either way round)
Awful Catarrh	Acoustic Guitar
Bagpuss the Saggy Old Cloth Cat	Papal Ordinariate - ("I see that bloke in the lambretta's done a Bagpuss")
Bish Bash Bosh	Regent's Park Mosque
Chicken Coop	Music Group
Hampstead Heath	Nothing worn beneath (of traditionalist parishes where not only the thuribles are swinging)
Jenkin’s Ear	BAPS Shri Swaminarayan Mandir
John Rambo	Ambo
Jonathan Ross	Archdeacon of Charing Cross
Ladie’s Night	Sarum Rite
Lambretta (pron Lamb-ber-e’a)	Black biretta
Lizzie Borden	Church Warden
Snake Pass	Latin Mass
Total Wassock	Bloke in a cassock