The Progressive Causes Quadrant Diagram

I was watching "8 Out of 10 Cats" last night. A fascinating programme. The tone of the programme seems to come from sneering at things - or "satire", as I suppose you could call it - and from a generally left-wing direction. Personally I watch it because I find Sean Lock and Jimmy Carr very funny, whatever you may think of Carr's deliberately-odious personality. I've a theory that a lot of Jimmy Carr's persona is put on - in the same way that I suspect all of Ricky Gervais's personas actually to be Ricky Gervais.

Last night's programme spent a fair amount of time taking the rise out of the Church of England, on the grounds of the response to the consultation on same-sex marriage. That they didn't understand what the Church's response had been, and assumed that the "greatest threat in 500 years" quote was from the church and not from a journalist, probably wasn't surprising on a programme where the main intellectual analysis of the subject was that provided by a woman off The Only Way is Essex. And I'm sure that the view that, since most members of the Church of England are over 50 its views can be ignored, will be a great comfort to Sean Lock when he turns 50 next year.

But it did make me think. I've had Burton do some analysis (I've locked the Counting Shed from the outside, so he's got little else to do until he's finished his cash-flow forecasts), and we've established that there are four groups into which we can categorise the way people respond to "progressive" issues.

I've been careful with the use of the word "progressive". I think we all know what I mean. And I think we all know that not all "progressive" things are good. Some diseases are "progressive". If you're waiting at a level crossing when a train goes across, to be "progressive" would be foolish. But some progressive things - equal voting rights, abolition of slavery, universal education - are clearly good. I'm not making any judgements on which modern-day progressive issues are right or wrong here. But if we break people down into how much they care about "progressive" issues, and then by whether they are for or against them, we reach the following groups:

So clearly if you care a lot about things, but you are not in favour of change, you are going to write a letter to the Telegraph. As a contrast, to show your aggressively modern attitude to life, you will go on Twitter and hope your scathing 140-character epistles will get endlessly retweeted. Committed conservative people will, on the whole, not go on Twitter as they just end up getting ink on the screen of their newfangled monochrome 380Z monitors - while terribly progressive people won't write to the Telegraph as, overcome with loathing at the photographs of 18-year-old middle-class girls getting their A-level results, they ever get past the front page. 

Clearly if you are in favour of progressive causes but can't be bothered to get off your backside, you'll watch 8 out of 10 Cats. But who is dedicatedly against all change but can't be bothered to do anything about it? I've a suggestion, and it's based on the approac of the Wellingborough MP, Peter Bone. Who, despite his otherwise impeccably right-wing credentials, launched an intolerant attempt to force cyclists to wear helmets - where a more progressive approach would have been to impose five-year penalties on "SMIDSY" drivers.

Now I know people in Wellingborough who drink in pubs, and they assure me that they've never encountered Peter Bone in any of them. They suspect he may actually go down the pub in Rushden, which may explain the odd views he encounters. But whenever I hear Peter Bone on the radio - as it may be explaining that the Lib Dems should be horse-whipped, or we should invade France, or the Euro should be replaced with Flanian Pobble Beads - he always precedes his comments with "the people I meet down the pub..."

So we have a pub full of people with the most remarkable right-wing views, who don't really care too much. Instead of marching through London to demand the revocation of the Human Rights Act, they go down the pub. Seeing the latest example of Political Correctness Gone Mad, they go down the pub, and hang around hoping Peter Bone turns up. It's gonna be an odd pub, that.

Leaving Keith in the Pub

I've left my child in the pub.

Easy to see how it happened, in retrospect. Charlii was playing pool with Stacey while Keith watched, I was in the more lounge-like side of the White Horse, arguing about whether the precession of the Earth's axis is anything like the Trinitarian analogy of perichoresis (it isn't, in my opinion. But Burton's theory is that if two things he doesn't understand have long names they must be similar). I went home, assuming Keith was still with Charlii. Meanwhile, Keith had paid a call of nature and Charlii, noticing that I had gone and Keith had disappeared, assumed he'd gone home with me.

Obviously, I blame myself. Actually, I don't. I blame Charlii, but it sounds better to blame myself. We're both a bit worried now - after all, he's only 24. Having said which, I don't think he'll be found helping the staff. Except by, effectively, paying their wages.

Still, it's a good idea for Charlii and I to keep banging on about how worried we are about Young Keith. It's a lovely distraction from the questions the people on the Moot have been asking about how I got the Husborne Crawley Advertiser to run all those nasty articles about Drayton Parslow.

Little Acts of Civil Disobedience

I have been inspired by the Boat Race! Hnaef and Eileen are of course livid that their annual celebration of aquatic elitism has been spoilt by what Eileen described as "that train-spotter", but I am impressed.

Being an accountant and IT specialist myself, I can sympathise with the desire to smash the system by these kinds of small acts of disobedience which we can all learn to carry out.

Since 3pm this afternoon I have written the following suggestions in my "Little Grey Book". I hope that I can inspire other like-minded people to further the revolution:

1. Talk in the library. Not loudly - just hissed whispers are most effective in annoying the librarians without getting thrown out.

2. Walk on the cracks in the pavement. This can infuriate superstitious members of the international capitalist elites.

3. Wear your Warwick University scarf prominently at the annual Varsity Rugby Match.

4. Mutter "posh bloke" whenever you hear someone say "David Cameron".

5. Go into a bank with a bag containing just 499 pennies. You can waste the global banking industry literally minutes as you fumble around for the missing coin.

6. Always take one more free carrier bag from Tesco than you really need. It is not good for the environment, but it reduces their profits. And every little helps.

7. Cough loudly during the sermons of right-wing preachers. Except not Eileen's sermons. That is too dangerous.

8. Go to an Oxbridge college and, when the porter is not looking, walk across one of the quads. Without playing croquet.

9.  Support Millwall.

10. Do not switch off your mobile phone in meetings. Ensure your ring tone is set to "The Red Flag". TRy to have some friends, so there's a chance someone might call you.

11. Walk quite slowly across the road at pedestrian crossings. Thus annoying car drivers, who are almost certainly the sort of people who own cars or have company cars. If they look grumpy, fake a limp - they will then feel guilty.

12. Take an out-of-date ticket with you on train journeys. Offer it to the inspector first when requested, then realise your mistake and give them the correct one for your journey. Make sure you do this quickly - you would not like to seem like a trouble-maker.

13. Drive in bare feet. It is not actually illegal, but most people seem to think it is - so it feels terribly naughty, and if a police officer tries to arrest you, you can make them look foolish.

14. When there is a bell on the counter of capitalist institution, ring it twice instead of once to attract attention. This is the kind of direct action that brought revolution in Cuba.

15. Take items back to shops as unwanted gifts - even though you really wanted them.

16. Switch off the radio whenever the Money Programme comes on.

17. When on a Tube train, shout "Mornington Crescent" whenever you stop at that station (does not work so well on the Circle Line).

18. Take a sachet of sugar when in Motorway Service Stations - even if you don't take sugar in your coffee. Then leave it on the side of your plate, as an overt protest.

19. When your train is late, tutt loudly. You will find that many people will join this protest, causing you to be a rabble-rousing demagogue in a very small way.

20. If you work in a call centre, put on a Welsh or Brummie accent to annoy the customers - you will lose your employers trade instantly! Although they may fire you, which would not be so good. So maybe go for Geordie?

When Spin Spins out of Control

So we had the budget and its Granny Tax.

Followed by the Pasty Tax.

Then the Alcohol minimum pricing.

Then the petrol crisis-that-wasn't.

And then Dave Cameron"s snoopers' charter.

And then Little Gove's plans to let exams be managed by universities. Or, if they don't want to (as it seems they don't), Local History Societies or the Mothers' Union or Lord Sugar or something.

It just feels like one stupid initiative after another, each dafter than the last - almost like each one's just designed to distract attention from the last one. George Galloways's victory in Burnley East (i.e. Bradford) must have been like the icing on the cake.

All I'm saying is, if you get up tomorrow to find that Francis Maude is privatising snow, while George Osborne is on Daybreak, dressed up as Lady Gaga, juggling kittens - well, you heard it here first.

The irony is, I thought PR was Dave Cameron's original job.

Anyone know how the NHS Bill went?

All in it Together

Another visit from Sir Alan Torque-Sniceley, of the Tingrith Tories. He told me that Francis Maude was talking rubbish about storing petrol in jerry-cans.

Sir Alan always keeps a complete back-up of one tankful of petrol at any one time. But he's not breaking any health & safety laws. He keeps it safely stored in the spare Bentley.

Pasty Tax - Government Advice on Surviving the Emergency

So pensioners are having reduced income tax allowances, while one-income families are losing a benefit that is available to two-income families with nearly twice the amount coming in. But there's only one Budget change that the nation is interested in - VAT is being levied on hot Cornish pasties.

To assist Beaker Folk during this pasty emergency, I've downloaded the following information from the Government website. I hope it helps.

Q How likely is it that VAT will be applied on pasties?
A Very likely indeed. Or, if somebody from the pasty industry wants to stand the right person dinner (I'll say no more) - not very likely at all. We'll find something else to put VAT on. Gay marriages, or frozen oven chips. Although not, obviously, venison.

Q What should we do if VAT is applied to pasties?
A There is absolutely no reason to panic. George Osborne has recommended that if you get your personal shopper to buy the raw ingredients, and your chef to cook the pasty for you, it will be totally free of VAT. Of course, if you did want to splash out a bit and glug a drop of the old cooking vino in there, then that will attract VAT. But on the bright side, once we introduce the new minimum alcohol pricing, you won't need to restrict yourself to cooking wine. You may as well buy a nice merlot, for all the difference in price makes.


Q Should I stockpile pasties?
A No. They'll only go cold and then you'll be able to reclaim the VAT. And whatever you do, don't keep them in jerry cans in the garage. They could go off.

Q What about panic buying?
A The public should resist the urge to panic-buy pasties. We don't want another stampede in Greggs.

Q Well, what should we do?
A Government advice is that consumers should keep topping-up on pasties in case the VAT goes up. If you're passing a pasty outlet and you're feeling less than three-quarters full, have another pasty. In this way you'll be kept full of pasties without causing chaos at pasty stands on railway stations. We strongly advise you don't allow yourself to become empty, and then eat four pasties at once.

Q What does David Cameron say about all this?
A "You know, the other day I met a man who was eating a pasty, and he said to me, 'Dave - why are you adding 20% to the cost of my lunch?' And I told him 'Made-up Pasty-eating Bloke, we don't want to do this. But it's been caused by the hole in the pie-dish caused by the last Government. Ed Balls ate all the pies, and we have to clear up the mess. Which is mostly broken bits of old pastry.'"


Q What are the odds the Government is deliberately playing this and the tanker strike up, to obscure the profound unfairness of the budget?
A What? Don't know what you mean. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Buying Influence - the Tariff in Full

I can't comment on other allegations regarding people getting meals with famous leaders who were at Brasenose in 1986, of course. Other than to say that in my day, you could sit and eat dinner with David Cameron for about £1.50 at Hall, if he ever turned up - as far as I remember he was mostly to be found hanging around the porter's lodge in Bermuda shorts, clutching a tennis racquet.

But somebody has jumped on the bandwagon to accuse me of secretly selling influence by allowing people to "buy" their chance to have dinner with me. And my response to this is of course robust - what's the point in being secret about it? If it's a secret, I'm seriously cutting down the available market. This is all open and above board - and the rates are as follows:

For £5, you can have half a Kit-kat and choose the first hymn.

For £10, Bernie our "alternative" chef will whip up a nice Roadkill Soufflé. You can choose the first reading and pour out the beakers.

For £50, you can get to choose what wattage the new bulb in the kitchen should be, without all that nasty red tape going through the Property Committee. And Bernie will cook you a nice cheese on toast and he'll wash his hands if he prepares the toastie after cooking a Roadkill Soufflé.

For £150, you can have a Big Mac, and one doctrine of your own choice added to the Beaker Articles of Faith. As long as it's nothing about wombles or anything stupid.

For £250, as well as the Big Mac, you can even include wombles in the Beaker Articles of Faith.

For £500, you get a proper meal, with soup and chips and everything. And you can be Archdruid for the Day. This permits you to wear a pointy hat and push the Beaker People around. Although, needless to say, you don't get to make any proper decisions.

For £1,000 - and if you buy me dinner at the White Horse - I may think very hard about where to award the running of the Beaker Infirmary when the renewal comes up. I'll only think about it, though. No promises.

EU Directive on Stable Doors

The Church Mouse has blogged again. Though it threatens to be a one-off.

However, with a small amount of inspiration from the Mouse, I've dug into a little-known piece of EU Regulation. The EU Directive on Stable Doors is as follows:

The stable door must always be shut. If the stable door is open, it should be shut as soon as possible. Preferably before the horse has bolted. Although after may be acceptable - and is certainly more likely.


Just because the French and German governments left the door open a few years ago, that is no excuse for other nations to leave the door unlocked. The French and Germans had to leave the door open, as otherwise how could the horse have had some exercise? That was a limited, understandable opening of the stable door. The horse had a bit of a canter, sure - but by no means did it bolt.


The limited and responsible opening of the stable door that the French and Germans carried out is not to be copied by other, less irresponsible countries opening the door (or leaving it open) whenever they feel like it. The Greeks seem to have cut the door up and used it for a beach barbecue. While the Italians have blown the bloody doors off.


Should the horse have bolted, shut the door as soon as possible. And then blame the British - even though they refused to look after the horse in the first place.


If you keep forgetting to shut the stable door, Germany will send someone round to lock the door for you.


If you're very careful and shut the stable door, albeit on an empty stable, the IMF may lend you another horse. You need to keep this one in the stable. Lock the door this time. After you've put the horse in it. 

Library@Church

Don't know why we didn't have this idea before. But we finally got there. It was the link from Cafe Church to coffee shops in bookshops that made us realise.

Fundamentally, the concept of Library@Church is that both institutions can, at their best, produce feelings of awe through the creative use of silence and the stimulation of the mind and spirit.

So Young Keith has spent all night erecting the bookshelves in the Moot House and filling them with improving books. It's a pretty good selection - at the last count he had 45 second-hand copies of "The Road Less Travelled", 92 remaindered volumes of Tony Blair's "My Journey"  and his own copy of "Steven Gerrard - My Story". At 9.30 we'll open up, and people will be allowed in to wander, muse and chill out in the respectful atmosphere. Although we're expecting a bit of a fight over the Gerrard book.

At 11am, to make Library@Church more exciting, we'll introduce a coffee shop, and a bunch of Peruvian traditional puppeteers will present their Inca-language version of "Strangers on a Train".

Then while everyone's at lunch, we'll rip out half the bookshelves and replace them with an Internet Cafe. But ensure that none of the worship leaders (or "librarians", as we're calling them today) are able to service the PCs if anything goes wrong. People will be able to use our on-line service to look up the exciting books that are available in other Beaker Library@Church establishments around the country.

Then, to provide that authentic "Library" experience, we're going to close Library@Church down and throw everybody out. In future everyone will instead have to wait for the mobile Library@Church, which will come round in a van for twenty minutes once a fortnight till the diesel runs out.

All the books however will be shipped round and used as fuel for my book-burning stove. It's an ill wind, I say.

Giving Discipleship the Tebow

As if in divine response or validation, I read this morning's article in the Huffington Post - Churchgoing has no effect on 50% of Americans?. (That's 50% of those that go).

This is great news for believers everywhere, as next time the US decides to attack somewhere we can show that it's not Christianity that did it. And Christians in the UK can be assured that of Tony Blair's devoutness and David Cameron's uncertain piety, only one (ie 50%) affected policy. I'm going for Cameron on this one as it strikes me that between Blair's Anglican and Catholic phases, the only difference in his behaviour was that now he's moved from a local church to a multi-national, his megalomania has become international. Since that's just the kind of thing we'd expect of Tony Blair, clearly his affiliation has nothing to do with his behaviour.

Back to the article "three out of five church attenders said they could not recall an important new religious insight from their last church visit." And given that 50% couldn't remember walking away with a "significant new understanding", I'm left wondering whether a significant proportion could actually remember where they were on Sunday morning.

As I say, it's all a great boost to my theory that if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you give a man a fishing-rod, he'll ask if you can nip off and catch a fish with it for him, only there's something on telly.

In another blow to US Religion, I note that Tim Tebow is out. That's a great shame, as i'd hoped he could go all the way. I suppose now either Mitt or Newt will win the nomination, but I really thought Tim was the one who could actually take on Obama.

The Higgs Boson Tapes (4)

Mr Boson? David Cameron here.

I was reading about this illustration......

for how your Field works.

..... And apparently it's like when Mrs Thatcher was at a cocktail party in the 80s.....

and because people clustered around her it meant she behaved like she had mass.

So what I want to know is this....

how can I be like you? How can I "do God particle"?

Good and bad Biblical Verses for Today's Britain

I was intrigued to hear all the discussion (such as this from Eddie) about David Cameron's address on the 400th anniverary of the King James Version of the Bible. As often happens when politicians get into religious matters, Mr Cameron has extolled Christian values while not really going into the detail of the richness of the whole Biblical tradition. He's said it's important to cling to a tradition, while making it quite clear that's not really what he does himself. Which means that what he's done is basically stood up for the good, solid, liberal, middle-class socially-responsible religion, which isn't really in the Bible at all. For we post-modernists who like to look at the interweaving and often competitive small tales of the Bible, there are actually very few big stories that emerge. Although there are some - David Cameron does encourage looking after the poor, and commends faith groups for doing so - although as one would expect of the inventor of the "Big Society" there's no suggestion in his speech of the government itself doing so.

But any enthusiastic Tory, keen to impress the management, might read the Bible uncritically, take one passage as representative of the whole, and get totally the wrong idea. So to assist any budding Tories who are interested in the Bible as a basis of Conservative values, I've provided below some Biblical concepts and colour-coded them Red / Amber / Green for their appropriateness to modern Conservatism. (I thought if I used Red / Amber / Blue it might cause some confusion).

As the man says - do the Green. Don't do the Red. Whatever you do.

GREEN (Do these)	AMBER (Some context needed here)	RED (Don't do these ones)
Paying taxes	Single Mothers	Tattoos
Standing up to foreign bullies (eg Europe)	Traditional Family Values	Large public-sector infrastructure projects
The Big Society	Being tough on crime	Labour-style leadership selection
Investing for an export-lead recovery	Dealing with anti-social behaviour	Tax avoidance
10pc tax rate (just not yet)	Capital punishment	Politicians interfering in religion

The Flagellants

Don't know what made me think of this, but I've just remembered the Mediaeval group known as the Flagellants.

The Flagellants seem to have arisen as a form of self-mortification, normally in response to some kind of natural disaster. In Perugia, they started whipping themselves in response to famine, while generally they seem to have become popular when the Plague broke out.

Although they thought that their self-punishment would bring God's favour, the irony was that, by wandering around the continent in the way they did, they could actually spread the very disease they thought that they were curing through their flagellation.
You could say they united Europe in its suffering.

Although the problem originated in the Mediterranean countries, Flagellants became a very popular movement across Europe. Especially in Germany, it seems, where strong punishments for national misdeeds were particulalrly popular. The countries of the British Isles, wisely, stayed out of the whole thing.

As I say, I've no idea why this occurs to me today. Just capturing the passing thought.

New Performance Monitoring Methods

I'm pleased to announce the new Beaker Performance Monitoring Methods, based on the Government's revolutionising of the NHS.

Under the old scheme, which we inherited from Archdruid Brown of the Tupperware Folk of Tebworth, the performance of neo-coenobitic communities was measured through a set of targets for the way in which we treated weekend pilgrims. These included:

a) Time from first arrival to being greeted by a grinning welcome-hippy in a daisy chain.

b) Number of leaflets offered to newcomers in the first hour.

c) Number of people attending each Occasion.

d) Souvenirs bought in the Beaker Bazaar.

e) The overall response score on a questionnaire.

This old method was symptomatic of the control-freakishness and top-down management associated with Archdruid Brown. And so we are scrapping the targets, and instead concentrating on religious outcomes. These religious outcomes will be based on responses to the following questions we will ask all departing pilgrims:

a) How quickly on first arrival were you greeted by a grinning welcome-hippy in a daisy chain?

b) How many leaflets were you offered in the first hour of your visit?

c) How busy would you say each Occasion was that you attended?

d) How many souvenirs did you buy from the Beaker Bazaar?

e) On a scale of 1 to 5, how positive was your stay?

I think it's all a massive improvement on the old scheme, and I'd hope that Beaker Folk would fall behind this new method of monitoring performance. Instead of picketing the Moot House, which is what they're currently doing. On the bright side, they're disturbing the bats - so I'm hoping to call the police to bring the demo to an end fairly rapidly.

The King James Version - the "Gove" Preface

Every School To Receive A King James Bible, With Intro From Michael Gove

---

TO THE MOST

HIGH AND MIGHTIE

"Dave" Cameron, 

BY THE GRACE OF GOD

Prime Minister of England, Scotland and (Northern) Ireland,

Privy Councillor &c.

MICHAEL GOVE wishes Grace, Mercy and Peace, through JESUS CHRIST, our Lord.

GREAT and manifold were the blessings, most hip "Dave", which Almighty God, the Father of all mercies, bestowed upon us the people of England, when first he sent Your Shiny Face to rule and reign over us. For whereas it was the expectation of many, who wished not well unto our Sion, that upon the setting of that bright Grantham Star, MAGGIE of most happy memory, some thick and palpable clouds of BROWN-NESS would so have overshadowed this Land, that men should have been in doubt which way they were to walk; and that it should hardly be known, who was to direct the unsettled State; the appearance of your Face, as the Sun in his strength, instantly dispelled those supposed and surmised mists, and gave unto all that were well affected exceeding cause of comfort; especially when we beheld the Government established with His Cleggness, and Your hopeful Seat (Witney), by an undoubted Title, and this also accompanied with peace and tranquillity at home and abroad.

But among all our joys, there was no one that more filled our hearts, than the blessed continuance of the preaching of God's sacred Word among us; which is that inestimable treasure, which excelleth all the riches of the earth; because the fruit thereof extendeth itself, not only to the time spent in this transitory world, but directeth and disposeth men unto that eternal happiness which is achieved through a decent Banker's bonus. And it winds up the NSS something chronic.

Then not to suffer this to fall to the ground, but rather to take it up, and to continue it in that state, wherein the famous Predecessor of Your Daveness did leave it: nay, to go forward with the confidence and resolution of a Man in maintaining the truth of Maggie, and propagating it far and near, is that which hath so bound and firmly knit the hearts of all Your Daveness's loyal and religious people unto You, that Your very name is precious among them: their eye doth behold You with comfort, and they bless You in their hearts, as that sanctified Person who, under God, is the immediate Author of their true happiness. And this their contentment doth not diminish or decay, but every day increaseth and taketh strength, when they observe, that the zeal of Your Government toward the Citie of London doth not slack or go backward, but is more and more kindled, manifesting itself abroad in the farthest parts of Christendom, by writing in defence of the Truth, (which hath given such a blow unto that man of sin, as will not be healed,) and every day at home, by News International, by hearing the Mail read, by cherishing the Express thereof, by caring for the Telegraph, as a most tender and loving nursing Mate.

There are infinite arguments of this right Conservative and religious affection in Your Shiny-face; but none is more forcible to declare it to others than the vehement and perpetuated desire of accomplishing and publishing of this work, which now with all humility we present unto Your Daveness. For when the Tories had once out of deep judgment apprehended how convenient it was, that out of the Original Sacred Tongues, together with comparing of the labours, both in our own, and other foreign Languages (mostly "Received Pronunciation"), of many worthy men who went before us, there should be one more exact Reduction of the Publick Debt by the Shrinking of the State; Her Majesty's Governmen did never desist to urge and to excite those to whom it was commended, that the work might be hastened, and that the business might be expedited in so decent a manner, as a matter of such importance might justly require.

And now at last, by the Mercy of God, and the termination of Labour, it being brought unto such a conclusion, as that we have great hopes that the Conservative Party shall reap good fruit thereby; we hold it our duty to offer it to you, Dave, not only as to our Prime Minister, but as to the principal Mover and Author of the work: and I, humbly craven of Your most Shiny-faced Majesty, that since things of this quality have ever been subject to the censures of ill meaning and discontented persons, it may receive approbation and Patronage from so learned and judicious a Bloke as Your Daveness is, whose allowance and acceptance of our labours shall more honour and encourage us, than all the calumniations and hard interpretations of other men shall dismay us. So that if, on the one side, we shall be traduced by Socialist Persons at home or in the EU, who therefore will malign us, because we are poor Instruments to make God's holy Truth to be yet more and more known unto the people, whom they desire still to keep in ignorance and Blairism; or if, on the other side, we shall be maligned by self-conceited Libertarians and Knights of the Shires, who run their own ways, and give liking unto nothing, but what is framed by themselves, and hammered on their Anvil; we may rest secure, supported within by truth and innocency of a good conscience, having walked the ways of simplicity and integrity, as before the Lord; and sustained without by the powerful protection of Our Maggie's grace and favour, which will ever give countenance to honest and Conservative endeavours against bitter censures and uncharitable imputations.

The Lord of Heaven and earth bless Your Government with many and happy days (or at least until enough Lib Dems rebel that we have to hold an election), that, as his Heavenly hand hath enriched your Election with many singular and extraordinary Graces, so We may all be in it together, to the honour of that Great GOD, and the good of his Church, through Jesus Christ our Lord and only Saviour.

---

The lofty prose of the King James Version made it particularly suitable for reading out loud, at a time when most of the population was illiterate. Let's hope the distribution of the King James at this time isn't a clue to future education policy.

The Geeks Inherit the Earth

I suspect, my dear readers, that the Day is coming.

Once upon a time, you could only rule a country if you were a charismatic, and preferably murderous, dictator - rising to the top on a pyramid of the bodies of your friends. Or else a charismatic, and probably slightly shady, democratically-elected leader such as Tony Blair.

Well, those days are drawing to an end. In Egypt and Libya the oppressors have been removed. In Italy the snake-oil salesman can see the end of the road. The foolish democratic experiment has been revealed for what it is - and through a banking failure, the countries of Europe are being taken over by bankers. The irony may not be lost, but no-one will be smiling as the time of bread and circuses is replaced by the time of shortages and cuts. Given the grief to come in Italy and Greece, for sure, how could the Prime Ministers be men or women who might have to face a popular vote? Enough that they can face riots with steely resolve and a spreadsheet.

I look at Britain and I consider. The cuts may have happened in time - the bond yields may stay down. But with our massive banking and share-trading sector, the engine of the economy is increasingly at the mercy of the computers that drive the trades. The crisis will come, as the bankers take the reins across the western world, when the health or otherwise of the economy drifts - or is wrested - from the democratically-elected politicians to the armies of silicon that control all our livelihoods and destinies.

It is clear where this is all going. Eventually, in the United Kingdom and possibly other countries outside the Euro, the only ones able to run the economy will be those that understand the financial and information technology sectors. Where to date in the West a politician would typically be a Politics or Law graduate - emotional, needy creatures as such tend to be, playing to the crowd - the rules have changed. We need cool-headed, precision-loving, logical men and women. People who care about money and not people. Rulers who need brook no popularity because they serve only the Machine.

I stand waiting for the call.

Statement on the Archdruid's Pay

There have been some rumbling among the Beaker Folk about my 50% pay rise.

And I would like to say that I hear your concern. Especially at this time when we're all in it together. I realise that Beaker People have worked hard this year. We have increased tithes, decreased rations and had to economise in other areas.  Take the window cleaning - instead of paying for professional cleaning, we have resorted to wrapping Beaker People in giant sponges and making them bounce up and down on trampolines to get to the top windows.

And I am aware that Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley Ltd has once again shown an operating loss. And people are asking, how can I justify a stonking pay rise when we have performed so dismally? But I should point out that the results were depressed by the depreciation on the newly-refurbished Archdruid's Suite. And by some very large management fees from the holding company, Beaker Folk (Cayman Islands). So overall it was a good, and tax-efficient, set of results, which should pave the way very nicely for my plans next year to go bust and re-start as a "pre-pack" rescue, writing off outstanding debts to my suppliers and allowing the new management (i.e. me) to negotiate some more advantageous rates.

As a gesture of good faith, however, in the meantime I am planning to improve the remuneration for the volunteers in the Beaker Bazaar and the kitchen to exactly the same degree that I myself have benefited. They will all receive 50% rises, as indeed will Hnaef, our Self-Supporting Druid. After all, we're all in it together.

Suddenly Swinging to the Left

It's not often I have many left-wing thoughts these days. But unlike most of the tents in St Paul's churchyard, I sometimes realise there's a class-warrior lurking in me somewhere.

But still. And I realise this is probably one of those policy kite-flying exercises that Governments of all colours - Red, Blue and the current rather sludgy Brown - indulge in. All "leaked reports" contain radical proposals that never see the light of day.

It's in the Telegaph. The Beecroft report recommends enabling companies to sack employees - with no given reason - albeit with minimum redundancy pay. Which first up makes me wonder why they asked for a report at all, and didn't just wander into the lounge bar of any pub in Dunstable.

Now, it's not going to happen. First up, it would  end up with a rash of equal rights legal claims. Nobody would use this process against ethnic minorities, nor against women, nor especiallly against pregnant women from ethnic minorities.

Even Mr Beecroft seems to recognise the silliness of his idea. He recognises that being able to sack people because you don't like them is "unfair". I'm surprised he didn't continue with the reflection "but then Life's not fair. Get used to it."

And in practice this could be a disaster.  In effect short-term expediency would be a business rule. People could be thrown out for validly pointing out problems with their managers' pet ideas.  Instead of making businesses slicker, they would be at risk of falling to pieces as people were randomly fired at the whim of the management.

There's a passage in Hardy's Mayor of Casterbridge where Abel Whittle is always - through no fault of his own, but then also no fault of his employer's - late for work. After a series of warnings that would actually do a modern HR department proud, Mayor Henchard comes down and drags him out of bed and sends him off to work in his underwear. I'm not advocating this as a valid employment method, but it's interesting to note that a fictional 19th Century alcoholic with no people skills has a generally more humane attitude to employment disciplinary methods than a Government advisor. Under the Beecroft proposals the unfortunate Whittle could have been sacked first time.

And there's a practical side for me. If I sacked everyone just because I didn't like them, i'd have no-one running the place. And then I might have to pay their replacements.

Succession Planning

This morning a pericope floats round my head:

Woe is me! For I have become like one who, after the summer fruit has been gathered, after the vintage has been gleaned, finds no cluster to eat; there is no first-ripe fig for which I hunger.

I've no idea what it means, but certainly all the figs blew down in the night, and I don't fancy taking on the Killer Wasps who have put their black-and-yellow flag under the tree and claimed the land for Good Queen Wasptoria.

So instead I've been investigating the source of the rumours that I'm planning to step down next year. And when I say 'planning' the rumours seem to mean 'going to be forced into'.
I've heard that some are saying I should make way for "a taller druid", whatever that means. Apparently in these troubled times we need somebody posher, with a more liberal attitude to - well, frankly to everything. And if we are going to continue to see assemblies 'of a broadly Beaker nature' in some of of our local schools, it is suggested, we need someone who actually believes in assemblies.

I've no idea who's been putting these ideas around on Beaker Internet forums, as clevely he is using a pseudonym. Well, don't worry, 'Hafen', I will work it out.

Need I do more than point out the parallel with Mr Blair? After three centuries of ruinous wars, self aggrandisment and passing endless laws so that his lawyer wife could make more money, Tony Blair was so disliked that we encouraged Gordon Brown to plot against him. However Tony took the hint and went off to become the Supreme Leader of the World's Religions and, having the right track record, to bring peace to the Middle East. And then we found we had Gordon, micro-manager of financial insanity, distributor of cheap gold and Scourge of Bigots.

I know you're all wondering where Gordon is these days, and I can tell you that he's in a good place. Occasionally he still throws phones at us when he thinks "Ed" is out to get him. But mostly he just sits in the Peaceful Room, contemplating a tea light and moving the budgets that he still believes he controls around. It's bad news for Social Services in Gordon's world this week , I can tell you.

But you see the pattern. When Tony left we got Gordon. When Maggie was knifed we got - you know - that bloke. When Solomon went they got Rehoboam. Better the devil you know, as Gadaffi maybe should have suggested.

Anyway, enough of the rumour-mongering. Remember that the one who wields the knife never wears the mitre. I mean crown. And we religious types have better things to do than be ambitious. Like pray and do good things.

The Watford Riots

On the subject of riots, and before Hnaef gets too carried away with his idea of heading to Luton on a mission (this one's volunteer only, I've decided, and only then after sufficient counselling) - I was interested to read about the Dunstable riots.

Dunstable is always a bit different - it didn't even have a Great Fire until the 19th century - but it had a riot in 1902.  Which lasted two days. Now Dunstable in those days, before the concept of "London Overspill" was invented, had a population of three men, a straw hatter and a dog. They must have been shattered. Nor was Dunstable alone in this wave of rioting - it also broke out in Watford.

Apparently the proximate cause of the trouble was the rescheduling of the Coronation of Edward VII - the resultant street parties were likewise postponed. and the "rougher elements" of these two fine market towns were up in arms.

There was a riot down the road in Watford at the same time, and some things may seem familiar. The fact that the rioters attacked numerous shops, whose owners were nothing to do with the original complaint. The attempt to set fire to Mr Fisher's shop. That the police were over-stretched: of the 20 coppers in Watford, 10 had set off for Hemel to deal with another riot there. The women going "shopping" in the wreckage. The drafting in of emergency police reinforcements. And the way that Mr Longley carefully memorised the faces of the looters so he could identify them in court - like an Edwardian CCTV. I'm just surprised he didn't have a lightning artist with him.

It was noted that the majority of the rioters came from the slum areas of Watford. Some things never change.