Beaker Biscuits

Excited to take a wander round the Woburn Abbey Garden Show. It's always nice to see how the distant relatives are doing. Especially when they give me such good ideas as they did today.

It wasn't the flowery type of stuff that inspired me so much.  More the food stalls. You know how the food stalls of today merge the aspirational and the spiritual. And sometimes it can even taste nice, although that seems fairly secondary to the image. I reckon you could sell Duchy Original cow-pat biscuits, provided you made it clear that they were organic and picked dew-fresh by a Cornish maiden.

And so, partly because it's going to make some money, and partly because it's another nail in the coffin of Drayton giving up the 21st Century, I'm delighted to announce a new product at the Beaker Bazaar.

Beaker Biscuits are made to an old recipe dating back to Beaker times. The potatoes are as near to wild as you can imagine - picked from a Baptist minister's back garden by moonlight. No sound is ever made when harvesting the potatoes for Beaker Potato Biscuits - as we might wake Drayton up.

After being washed, the potatoes are fed into our Industrial Pulverizer, smashed into something approaching plasma, then poured into our hand-cast biscuit moulds. They are mixed with our special recipe of spices, and lovingly-collected Beaker Honey (which we collect, lovingly, own-label from Tesco in Kingston). We bake them in a traditional Beaker Oven - a clay, beehive-shaped oven that stands in the Bottom Field, whose fire is fed exclusively with bits of twig we pick up off the ground in Aspley Heath. When the Beaker Oven collapses under its own weight, we look at the charred, useless fragments of Beaker Potato Biscuits and throw them away. Then we hand-wrap McVitie's Ginger Nuts in waxed paper, carrying a traditional Beaker Image.

Beaker Biscuits. You know they're good. Because we didn't really make them.