Jeeves in the Hacking

We are honoured today to have a guest-post from the Hon Bertram Wooster. "Bertie" and I go back a long way to when we were at Oxford together. In many ways our journeys to get there were rather different - I had worked hard to get high "A" Level grades, while Bertie won his Exhibition at Magdalen because his father owned most of Dorset.

"Well, Jeeves, I'm stunned," I announced as I lay in the bath, inhaling the needful early morning oolong.
"Indeed, Sir? Have you once again been watching Geordie Shore? I have warned you before, you may recall, against getting too interested in the activities of the rougher element."
"No, Jeeves. I'm aghast at all this stuff in the papers about Bobby Wickham. I mean - imagine her getting herself arrested?"
"I am afraid I can say little - as indeed can she - due to her potential case being sub judice."
"But, Jeeves, according to the Market Blandings Advertiser she is alleged to have encouraged Tuppy Glossop to listen on the telephone extension while Gussie Fink-Nottle and Madeline Bassett were discussing the secrets of their relationship."
"Indeed, Sir. I remember the headline - 'Stars are God's Daisy Chain', says Bassett". I can only remark that ladies of Miss Wickham's particular hair colour can be of a... forceful and impulsive nature."
"True, Jeeves. Think about that time she got all the oiks in the village to burn down the house of that innocent old cove, when she said he was a podiatrist. Or was it a philanthropist? One of those coves who look at your feet, wasn't it?"
"Something like that, Sir."
"And now, Jeeves, Homer Cream, the press tycoon, has admitted that members of his staff paid Constable Oates for information. No wonder Aunt Agatha always knows when I've been banged up."
"Indeed, Sir. And Stilton Cheesewright has had to resign because instead of carrying out an investigation, he just went around saying "Ho". And now it seems people are asking questions about Roderick Spode."
I gave a visible start, causing the rubber duck to leap from the soothing bubble-b. Spode is, of course, a much less successful Dictator since he became Prime Minister.
"Good grief, Jeeves," I expostulated. "He's not stolen Sir Watkyn Bassett's cow-creamer has he?"
"No, Sir. At this stage it is merely alleged that he has been closer to Miss Roberta Wickham and Mr Cream than he should have been."
"Well, of course, Jeeves. Being in the same circles, naturally they are often part of the same house parties. As, indeed, am I."
"Indeed, Sir. Now - about your - ahem - appointment today - will we be wearing the pin-striped or the dark suit?"
"Well, Jeeves, I think for meeting the Met the old Mess Jacket with the brass buttons?"
For a moment a look of pain played across Jeeves's face. And I felt a sense of Impending Doom.