How to Bake a Bedfordshire Clanger

Each part of England seems to have its own local food. The oat cakes of Staffordshire - brilliant with a bit of friend breakfast. The wonderful cheeses of Leicestershire. The Cornish pastie.

And the Bedfordshire Clanger. Long and merry ago now I remember the Clanger-eating competitions at Caddington village fairs. Like all such local specialities, it has become harder to find Clangers in local Bedfordshire bakeries. So in a hipster mood of local, hands-on craft endeavour - here's how to do it.

First catch your Clanger.

This isn't easy. Being womble-like creatures that live on satellite, they're not just knocking around the place. You have to wait until the Moon Gibbon runs amok on a blood moon, and then some get thrown to earth. If the heat of re-entry doesn't kill them, it's best to despatch them by hitting them over the head with a dustbin lid. It's how they like to go.

Skin the Clanger. The best bet, I find, is to make a couple of cuts in the skin with a sharp knife and then drop them into a mug of hot water. Works just like tomatoes.

Wrap them in shortcrust pastry. Obviously you could make the pastry yourself, but what do you think Tesco is for?

Stick some jam in one end. We have no idea why. Then bake at 200C for half an hour. For a big clanger you might want to parboil first.

Obviously if you don't live in Bedfordshire, this recipe is a waste of time. You'll have to bake something else instead.