Saturday, 7 April 2012

Little Acts of Civil Disobedience

I have been inspired by the Boat Race! Hnaef and Eileen are of course livid that their annual celebration of aquatic elitism has been spoilt by what Eileen described as "that train-spotter", but I am impressed.

Being an accountant and IT specialist myself, I can sympathise with the desire to smash the system by these kinds of small acts of disobedience which we can all learn to carry out.

Since 3pm this afternoon I have written the following suggestions in my "Little Grey Book". I hope that I can inspire other like-minded people to further the revolution:

1. Talk in the library. Not loudly - just hissed whispers are most effective in annoying the librarians without getting thrown out.

2. Walk on the cracks in the pavement. This can infuriate superstitious members of the international capitalist elites.

3. Wear your Warwick University scarf prominently at the annual Varsity Rugby Match.

4. Mutter "posh bloke" whenever you hear someone say "David Cameron".

5. Go into a bank with a bag containing just 499 pennies. You can waste the global banking industry literally minutes as you fumble around for the missing coin.

6. Always take one more free carrier bag from Tesco than you really need. It is not good for the environment, but it reduces their profits. And every little helps.

7. Cough loudly during the sermons of right-wing preachers. Except not Eileen's sermons. That is too dangerous.

8. Go to an Oxbridge college and, when the porter is not looking, walk across one of the quads. Without playing croquet.

9.  Support Millwall.

10. Do not switch off your mobile phone in meetings. Ensure your ring tone is set to "The Red Flag". TRy to have some friends, so there's a chance someone might call you.

11. Walk quite slowly across the road at pedestrian crossings. Thus annoying car drivers, who are almost certainly the sort of people who own cars or have company cars. If they look grumpy, fake a limp - they will then feel guilty.

12. Take an out-of-date ticket with you on train journeys. Offer it to the inspector first when requested, then realise your mistake and give them the correct one for your journey. Make sure you do this quickly - you would not like to seem like a trouble-maker.

13. Drive in bare feet. It is not actually illegal, but most people seem to think it is - so it feels terribly naughty, and if a police officer tries to arrest you, you can make them look foolish.

14. When there is a bell on the counter of capitalist institution, ring it twice instead of once to attract attention. This is the kind of direct action that brought revolution in Cuba.

15. Take items back to shops as unwanted gifts - even though you really wanted them.

16. Switch off the radio whenever the Money Programme comes on.

17. When on a Tube train, shout "Mornington Crescent" whenever you stop at that station (does not work so well on the Circle Line).

18. Take a sachet of sugar when in Motorway Service Stations - even if you don't take sugar in your coffee. Then leave it on the side of your plate, as an overt protest.

19. When your train is late, tutt loudly. You will find that many people will join this protest, causing you to be a rabble-rousing demagogue in a very small way.

20. If you work in a call centre, put on a Welsh or Brummie accent to annoy the customers - you will lose your employers trade instantly! Although they may fire you, which would not be so good. So maybe go for Geordie?

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